Live Coverage of the Lecture-Hall Dash

Hold tight to your seats, folks! It’s gonna be a squeeze

Illustration by Alice Zhang

By: Jennifer Low, Peak Associate 

Transcript of the Live Coverage from the Peak’s Sports Correspondent Chad Terbocks and Lecture-Hall Expert Ken I. Havanap.

Chad: Well hello there folks, for those of you just tuning in, I’m Chad Terbocks

Ken: and I’m Ken I. Havanap

Chad: We’re coming to you live from the SFU Burnaby Campus; Images Theatre.  If you’re still with us . . .

Ken: and haven’t fallen asleep . . .

Chad: We’re just coming into the second quarter of this ridiculously long lecture.  

Ken: The lecture seats are full and the silence is intimidating as ever. With only the slight sound of fingers on keyboards and the droning voice of the prof, it’s going to be quite the show.

Chad: That’s right, Ken . . . Our student has just reached the door now. After that bathroom break, you can tell they’re nervous about getting back into the lecture hall.

Ken: Oh, you bet! I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone attempt to open a door that quietly. Look at that strategy! Watch as they open the door with one pull, one beautiful fluid motion.

Chad: No kidding, do you see that concentration, folks? They’re really regretting having that second cup of coffee, should’ve gone to the washroom before class.

Chad: Aaaaand they’re off! Making their way down the stairs, slowly but steadily.

Ken: A great start, but there are still a lot of obstacles before they reach their seat there. Middle of the hall, seat 15 — oof! What a challenge.

Chad: The “mid-lecture hall seat” really wasn’t a good choice today.

Ken: Alright, this student is attempting an extremely risky move, are you seeing this Chad? 

Chad: Dear God, look at that, they’ve chosen to step OVER the water bottle AND a backpack on the floor there — this could be fatal!

Ken: An overextension of the leg would definitely cause tripping and even worse, get the attention of the prof.

Chad: There they go. Uh-oh! We’ve got a situation!

Ken: It appears our student has a backpack strap wrapped around their ankle.

Chad: I can’t believe what I’m watching! This is it, it’s over! What are they doing? Leaning forward like that over the lower seats . . . they’re going to fall! If they’re going to make it through this they’re going to need an assist from that coffee cup girl, otherwise I swear she’ll be squished!

Ken: I don’t think so, Chad! Look at that expert leg manoeuver! Let me tell you, it takes a lot of skill to accomplish that . . . Years of training and skill; everything has gone into preparing for this moment.

Chad: You said it! Check out that footwork; weaving between those desks with the grace of a sprightly young gazelle . . . I’m pretty sure coffee cup girl’s noticed too.  An impressive recovery!

Ken: It’s been a rough semester so far, this might just be the comeback our student needs. Especially after the water bottle catastrophe of Fall 2018 . . .

Chad: No no no no. Those new AQ lecture halls are built slanted! I say that it was the tilt of the stage that caused it.

Ken: Nevertheless kicking that waterbottle all the way to the prof’s feet caused the biggest disruption of the season.

Chad: It takes a lot to come back from that kind of soul-crushing humiliation . . .

Ken:  Here’s another tricky spot. Seriously, who hangs their jacket on the back of their seat in a lecture hall? That’s just inconsiderate!

Ken: You can just feel the tension in this room. A few students have cringed. What a scathing look from inconsiderate jacket guy . . . that’s going to haunt me.

Chad: Coming up on the home stretch now!

Ken: They picked a really squeaky seat this semester.

Chad: A really poor choice like that at the beginning of this season is serious bad luck for rest of the semester.

Ken: That might not be our student’s biggest problem . . . Think about what must be going through their head right now!

Chad: I’m thinking serious regret that they left all their stuff on the desktop . . . it’s going to be too heavy to lift . . . they’re going to have to attempt the famous shimmy between desk and chair.

Ken: Here we go . . . Nice and easy . . . oh God . . .

Chad: OH YES THEY STICK THE LANDING!

Ken: Whew! What a feat! I’m still sweating!

Chad: You said it Ken. That’s all for now folks . . . or at least until next lecture.

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