SFU to offer transit service across puddles

Illustrated by Carolyn Yip

Written by: Maxwell Gawlick

We all know what’s coming: rain. As the fall semester comes into full swing, prepare to embrace soggy shoes, waterlogged socks, and cold feet. This year, however, all is not lost. SFU’s Safety and Planning Committee is developing an initiative to help students cope with the puddles plaguing the Burnaby campus.

According to the committee, the project is an recent revitalization of SFU’s gondola plans. A mini-gondola line will be placed at either end of major puddle sites (such as those below and around the Rotunda), allowing students to traverse the bodies of water one at a time. Trip duration is estimated to be three to six minutes for smaller puddles, and upwards of 15 minutes for larger ones.

SFU president Andrew Petter commented on the traverse speed in an interview with The Peak: “Engagement in the pursuit of dry feet cannot be rushed.” Petter declined to comment on the project’s technical plans, instead repeating this mantra for the duration of the interview until the reporter left out of sheer frustration.  

The committee also noted fees for the service. The project will be paid for by a mandatory premium now included in tuition for all SFU students, an additional fee equal to the cost of the U-Pass. In addition, SFU students will be charged a fare each time they use the service, payable in the form of loose-leaf textbooks, lecture notes, or blood sacrifices.

Despite the scant information provided, high cost, and the utter impossibility of such a project, polls show that SFU students are overwhelmingly in favour of the service. In fact, a study done by SFU’s psychology department proved that most students, upon hearing the word “gondola,” experience a powerful rush of elation, leaving them woozy, out of breath, and slightly lightheaded afterwards. The study also proved that students are incapable of doing background research when voting on such an important matter.

Construction of the gondolas is expected to begin fall 2025, and last approximately 15 years.