Shitty Business Pitch: The Gargoyle Guys living gargoyles

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Illustrated by Marissa Ouyang

By: Hannah Davis

Shitty Business Pitch: Living Gargoyles

We can all agree that gargoyles are timeless; there is absolutely no other way to describe them. Their hunched posture, dragon-like wings, and overall demonic appearance give any home an air of pure gothic beauty. I know what you are thinking: gargoyles are the perfect home adornment. Flawless the way they are, there is no way that they can be improved. But here at Gargoyle Guys we are always thinking of ways in which we can improve our gargoyles.

Imagine your current gargoyle — stony and motionless, sitting on your front porch. It is grey, maybe covered in a little bit of moss, but worst of all, it is just a statue. Now what if I told you that your gargoyles no longer have to look so much like one of Medusa’s dumb, dead-eyed victims?

That’s right. With our unique business, anyone can grace the exterior of their home with a living, breathing gargoyle, which they hire through my company. Our gargoyles are 100% alive because they are children wearing costumes. For the kids, this job is much more fun than a paper route, and for the homeowner, their house automatically acquires a new, truly original aspect of charm.

Let me tell you how it works. You call and tell us what type of gargoyle you want. We hand-sew the perfect costume to match your request, and then give it to one of our elite and highly-trained gargoyle-children, who then puts the costume on. Next, the face paint is applied to the child by our master makeup artist: my brother, Sven. The gargoyle is then given an address on a stone tablet and transit fare for the bus. With the help of their acute child’s sense of direction, they will walk right to your doorstep, not slowed down at all by the huge rock they are carrying. Absolutely no effort is required of you, the homeowner. Once you give the child a nice snack, and direct them to where you want them to sit, stand, or crouch you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the pleasures of having a high-quality living gargoyle adorn your front steps.

Our gargoyles are safe, effective, and rarely bite. Even if they do bite, we’re pretty sure they don’t have rabies.

Here are some testimonials from both our staff and our satisfied customers to show why investing in our company, The Gargoyle Guys, is not only a good idea, but NECESSARY.

“My gargoyle would not stop crying, and their face paint dripped all over my patio.” Edward, Customer from May 2018–May 2018

“I hated doing a paper route so much that pretending to be a statue sounded better to me even though I am bad at not moving. Sometimes I pee in people’s gardens when no one looks, and I only got in trouble once.”. Joey, age 6, Junior Gargoyle

    “A child arrived at my door dressed in a modified elephant Halloween costume. I think my neighbor a few houses down hired a gargoyle from Gargoyle Guys, but the child got lost and came to me. I called the police because I truly did not know what else to do.” Jane, Was Never a Customer

“I’m dis many years old.” Sarah, age 7, Senior Gargoyle