Unaired Shark Tank pitches

or, if you’re feeling patriotic, Dragons’ Den

Illustration by Janis McMath

By: Simrin Purhar

We’ve all seen Shark Tank, a show which features entrepreneurs pitching their business ideas and products. Some of  the entrepreneurs are lucky enough to catch a shark to invest — others are eaten alive for their nonsensical ideas. During the latter, viewers often cringe at their TV screens while thinking, “Could any idea possibly be worse than this?” The answer is YES — there are worse ideas. Pitches and products so bad, they were untelevised. The untelevised pitches have been leaked for the first time, revealing a new low of idiocy and ridiculousness. This is our list of the top five worst pitches of all-time . . .

DIY Condom Kit

A new study reveals that 80% of women think DIY skills are the sexiest skills a man can have. Now, with our product, you can simultaneously demonstrate your handy skills while turning her on with our DIY Duct Tape Condom Kit. Kit includes duct tape, scissors, and comprehensive instructions in Swedish.

Excuse-a-Day Calendar

Is finding a way to lie to your spouse or partner the only thing holding you back from cheating? Here’s the easy fix: a calendar that features daily excuses to cleverly and persuasively conceal your infidelity.

HomeTone by RingTonez.com

Our ringtones are edgy, unexpected, and will remind you of home — literally. Select your ringtone from an assortment of noises we’ve collected from your everyday home appliances, such as the hum of a refrigerator, the buzzing of a microwave, the drip of an icemaker, and the rattle of a washing machine.

Feminist-Free Beer

Are you a self-described misogynist? Do you have a rigid sexist mindset? Do you enjoy offending women? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, our feminist-free beer is perfect for you! Similar to how a diet-soda has zero calories, this alcoholic beverage contains ZERO remnants of feminism — so you can rest easy knowing the whole process, from brewing it to stocking it on shelves, was done by a chauvinist just like you!


We all know seeing a cracked screen makes asking the question “what happened to your phone?!” irresistible to the majority of the population — despite the appearance or stature of the phone owner.  So, if you’re ugly (or simply have trouble starting conversations) try iCrack — the regular phone with the screen pre-cracked! You’ll see the exponential difference in the amount of people approaching you for conversation.  Cracks come in small, medium, and large.