A short biology lesson for dumb idiots who ask “is your pussy tight?”

Illustrations by Emma Wu

With Google searches such as “my girlfriend feels loose is she cheating” and “how to make your vag tighter with vinegar,” I feel that it is absolutely necessary that I make this public announcement for all of you whom have been so obviously failed by the sexual education you received in high school (which forced you to look at photos of severely infected genitals without any other context and for some twisted reason that was considered proper sexual education).

I get it — all genitals confuse you. They’re weird, deformed, extroverted, cavernous, and filled with sexual pus. It’s all disgusting . . . but this is no reason for you to be an uninformed fuckface. Seriously, you’ve had access to the Internet since you were five years old — you’re a stupid over-privileged millennial just like me. You’ve been looking up “big bobs” and “vagima” since the days you had to secretly use the computer in your parents’ room — whenever your mom was on the phone with her sister or your dad was on the couch having a peaceful, fart-filled nap — so why the fuck couldn’t you look up something useful about vaginas for once? You probably do a Google search for vaginas on the daily (and have been doing so for 20 years straight), yet you never thought to properly inform yourself about the beautiful anomaly you’re constantly staring at?? I get that the closest you’ve been to a vagina is when you watch porn and have the screen tilted back just so far that you can shamefully see yourself in the reflection on the screen, but that is no reason for you to go around stroking your undercooked hot dog while spreading your ignorance and asking girls if their “pussies are tight.”

Let me answer for all the vaginas in the world: YES! Our pussies are as tight as the emo jeans that belong to all sad, misguided 16-year-olds. Our pussies are as tight as your mother’s lips that one time she found a crusty sock and a photo of that one female cousin you’re so suspiciously friendly to. Our pussies are as tight as our fists, which we use to punch ourselves in the faces because we are seeking relief from the wild, animalistic stupidity of your question. Our pussies are so tight because a “tight pussy” is a vagina which is not in a state of arousal. See, the vagina has muscles. The muscles are elastic, and are capable of expanding and contracting. Even after childbirth, when a literal freaking human being exits the vagina, the vagina goes back to its regular size after approximately 6 to 12 months. Do you really think your noodle-ass dick has shit to say to a vagina after a baby’s entire mammoth-sized cranium couldn’t do permanent damage to it? Really?

And it’s not like vaginas can’t loosen over time. As you age, it all goes to shit. We all know that. And multiple babies can definitely cause a damn ruckus down there, but again, your dick isn’t even close to being equivalent to the force and strain of multiple living creatures passing through the vaginal canal. So, in conclusion, never ask anyone with a vagina how tight their pussy is unless you want to know exactly how unaroused you make them — you should already know the answer to that.

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