Yes, an entire section all about asexuals! Y’know, the ‘A’ in the expanded acronym of LGBTQIAP+? (No, it doesn’t fucking stand for ‘ally.’ Allies, we appreciate you, but please.) Though oft forgotten and neglected by this sex-crazed world, asexuals make up approximately 1% of the world’s population. We are known to love cake of any flavour, black rings, and apparently Pacific Rim (2013), for some reason. Being of a little-known orientation, we tend to get a lot of questions . . . and, well, not all of them are very respectful. So here are some totally legit answers to foolish questions that make us want to punch a kaiju. Aces, take notes!
Q: Wait, you’re asexual? So does that mean you reproduce through, like, parthenogenesis or something?
A: Dude, I’m a history major. What the hell does “reproduce” mean?
Q: Is this “asexuality” thing just a phase?
A: Yeah, sure, just like my Harry Potter phase and my anime phase — wait a second, I haven’t outgrown those either. Believe it!
Q: Isn’t an “ace” a playing card?
A: So is a joker, but that hasn’t stopped you from existing either.
Q: Isn’t this just the same thing as celibacy?
A: I’ve heard celibacy described as being interested in looking at the menu, but restraining from ordering off it. As for asexuals, well, we’ve seen the menu, but . . . ehhh, nothing looks very appetizing. We’ll pass, thanks.
Q: Have you seen a doctor?
A: Yeah, I don’t think they’re hiding anywhere? If you haven’t seen one then I recommend an optometrist.
Q: Are you broken?
A: Yes, so can you please pass the duct tape and cotton balls? I think my ears are damaged since I keep hearing this irritating noise that sounds distinctly like a voice asking me a really rude question — or maybe it’s just a mosquito. But then again, I seem to recall mosquitoes being far less annoying.
Q: What do you do all night?
A: It depends. I tend to alternate between sleeping, watching YouTube, and re-playing Pokémon SoulSilver for the billionth time. Those goshdarn Team Rocket guys just don’t know when to quit! They’re so invasive, yet surprisingly irrelevant! Kind of like this question, now that I think about it . . .
Q: You just haven’t met the right person yet!
A: Well, your face just hasn’t met the right hammer yet!
(Seriously though, don’t ever say this to anyone unless you really do want your face to meet the right hammer. It’ll be a smashing experience, that’s for sure.)
Q: So you’ve never . . . uhhh . . .
A: Listen, pal, if you’re hesitating to ask me this based on the fact it may be uncomfortable and extremely personal, then don’t.
OK, fine, the answer is ‘no,’ I have never been arrested for murder. Wait, that was what you were going to ask me, right . . ?
Bonus:
Q: Hi, I legitimately have never heard of or don’t know much about asexuality and would like to learn more! Where would you recommend I look to educate myself on this topic?
A: Great, I’m glad you asked! The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network is a great place to start. The Huffington Post also has a really great six-part series on asexuality called “Asexuality: The ‘X’ In A Sexual World” if you want a good source outside the ace community. You can find lots through doing a simple Google search or even by asking an ace person questions that they feel comfortable answering — though make sure to avoid the ones above unless you want similarly snarky responses.
