Back in the day, when you were a wee and innocent child, you had no understanding of what your vagina was — and what a cunt she would become. But then you got older, and the horror began. Your new acne, body hair, and breasts were all terrifying in their own right, but you quickly learned all of that was child’s play. You could handle boobs. What were boobs going to do to you, grow? Ha! No way, you shitty titties, get back in your lacy cotton prison.
No, none of the strange ass hairs you grew ever bothered you either. (In fact, you sort of liked them sometimes.) Puberty would’ve been a breeze for you . . . if there hadn’t been so much blood. Your childhood was like a sentence: completely finished when the period came.
You have managed to do some growing since your first period, and now you’re some sort of an adult or something — learning about life and touching genitals whenever you can, as adults do. But, as you’ve learned, your insides tend to become your outsides one a month, and you’re worried that might be an issue if someone else is trying to put their outsides in your inside . . . and then outside . . . and then inside. But listen to me, sweetcake, your raspberry filling isn’t an issue — dessert is always delicious. Plus, having orgasms on your period ends the horror show faster, so you really are just wasting time if you haven’t got to screwing already. If you’re not sure how to, here are a few tips on how to get down and quite clean, actually.
1) Get your designated sex towel
Find that one special dark towel of yours, and let her be the magic carpet you ride. This will soak up any blood and prevent you from staining your precious Little Mermaid sheets.
2) If you’re going to make fruit salad, prepare your bananas
To those who are fans of putting bananas in their fruit salads, make sure you slap some protection on that sweet nana, because period sex has a higher STD risk! Condoms will also prevent your fruit salad from getting covered in tomato juice. If you do prefer Bloody Marys, though, make sure that both you and Mary get tested.
3) Succumb to gravity
Niagara Falls and your vagina have two things in common — they are both gushing huge amounts of liquids, and clearly should be declared wonders of the world. But since you can’t change either of those things, you need to keep that in mind if you’re going to be riding when you’re riding the red wave. Blood is coming out of you and missionary is a great position. Actually, any position that keeps you near your sacrificial blood towel is good. If you do want to get messy, though, don’t hold back. Ms. Frizzle would be proud.
4) Put a small bag in your vagina to collect blood
Menstrual cups are magic. You could get down on a white couch and leave it as beautiful as it was before. Although there’s always the trouble of the ass-sweat. That leaves permanent stains.
5) Try out the shower
Clean while you fuck and fuck while you clean. The one stop shop.