Bees everywhere protest florals


Once again, summer has arrived. And once again, it has been accompanied by the widespread use of floral patterns — whether they’re on picnic blankets, curtains, patio furniture, tablecloths, or dresses. Normally, the only ones to suffer from the pure joy exuded from floral patterns would be the most cynical among us. Although it is quite unknown, the happiness of others is actually fatal to cynics.

However, this time around another more important group has been harmed by the overuse of floral patterns. This is none other than the bees. “Bees?” you may ask. That’s right. Bees. A recent complaint from the Canadian Bee Council (CBC) has raised awareness for the issue. Bees have seemingly been found flying en masse into floral patterns across the country, leaving thousands injured, and many more just slightly bothered.

The CBC regularly lodges complaints against the overuse of floral patterns, but this summer has been particularly harmful for bees. “Our job is very important!” they tell us. “Do you know how fucked you guys would be without us?” Although it is true that without bees we would indeed be ‘fucked,’ it’s often hard to take them seriously when their complaint is that they’re too stupid to tell the difference between a real flower and a shitty two-dimensional design on a dress.

“We are the largest source of pollination on the planet!” they try to inform us. The technical terminology used by the bees is often lost on many. When the bees use the term ‘pollination,’ what they actually mean is ‘flower fucking.’ In the absence of any penises of their own, flowers instead use bees to transmit reproductive material from one flower to another. While this is certainly an ingenious method of reproduction, it leaves the schoolyard bully within all of us with no option but to refer to bees as nothing more than ‘penises-with-wings.’ These penises-with-wings, important though they are, are often nothing but a nuisance to many people. When one is noticed inches from the tip of your nose, or feels it slap against the side of your cheek, the typical reaction is one of fear and panic — as it often is with a regular penis.

In an attempt to show the seriousness of the situation, the Canadian Bee Council has gone on strike. However, in their attempt to send a message to the public, the language barrier between bees and humans has become evident. As bees often communicate with each other through dance, their message to the public took the form of seemingly random flight patterns through the air. As bees are often found flying into floral patterns and stunning themselves, the general impression of bees is one of idiocy. The incomprehensible dancing does not help with this impression. Overall, it has again become very clear that the Canadian population cares very little for the CBC.

SOURCEAuthor: Aaron Richardson
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