Vancouver becomes largest recorded school zone because all Vancouverites are children

Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson announced on Friday that, by the end of August, the entire City of Vancouver would be declared a school zone — meaning that the municipality would have a speed limit of 30 kilometres per hour.

“Because everybody who lives here is, like, a literal fucking five-year-old, it only made sense to keep our traffic laws consistent with how we treat our elementary schools,” Robertson explained. “It’s a discussion that’s been ongoing for a while, and I believe we’ll be ready for the 2017–18 school year.”

Some citizens have embraced the idea. Select members of Vancouver’s cycling community told The Peak that they were “happy” to see the act of driving in this city become even more torturous than it already is.

“The downside, of course, is that this will be a bit of a wake-up call for my parents — I’m still supposed to be on a tricycle, you see,” confided prominent Vancouver cyclist Morty Wheeler. “But it’s fine, I mean, we take up the entire road, at all times, at the slowest possible speed anyway, so a bit of a speed loss is nothing.”

However, commuters in the Metro Vancouver area appear to disagree. Though all of those whom we approached at various bus stops declined to comment, this was primarily because most were mid-tantrum about their bus “never showing” and seemingly had never learned to self-soothe themselves the fuck up. It did seem, vaguely, like the idea of even slower roads would only agitate them further.

This lack of self-soothing ability may be linked to a lack of proper nutrition in these children’s diets, famed nutritionist Dr. Jordan Baker suggested in a 2015 study. “They just aren’t eating enough avocados or drinking enough indie lattes, despite what the food-bloggers would have you think.”

Notably, these tantrums appear to happen most frequently in Vancouver’s restaurants, retail shops, outside the art gallery, on random sidewalks, and pretty much anywhere that requires basic social skills to be applied.

“Well, Vancouver kids will be Vancouver kids,” said 43-year-old special broflake Brett Masterson, dismissing literally the entire problem in hopes of continuing to enforce harmful social behavioural norms and reproduce problematic ideologies.

“But, well, we need our kids alive and in one piece, so I guess I support slowing down the roads or whatever, as long as nobody makes me put a muffler back on my car.”

“Everything really just goes back to the housing crisis,” said some random affluent Vancouverite. “I’m not sure how, but it does. Shouldn’t you be writing more stories about that? It’s not like people will ever figure out that this city is an expensive place to live.”

Hopefully, with former BC premier Christy Clark finally becoming just as irrelevant as Demi Lovato, school zones and everyone in them will finally get the funding they need.