Tips for millennials on getting hired

Much like how humans need air to breathe and the Internet needs cute cat videos for us to look at, it is a well-known fact that millennials need jobs. But who wants to write a resume or cover letter? Or sit through an hour-long interview with a businessperson in a stiff pinstripe suit?

We’ve got five easy (and much more enjoyable) tips to make that hiring process go by in a breeze instead.

1) Start an underground prosthetics lab in order to make yourself look older and wiser.

I mean, if you can’t get a job because you have a baby face and no experience, then add that experience to your face. Simple math: wrinkles = wisdom, which will reel in the ka-ching!

2) Face the world of unpaid internships by brushing up on your Starbucks knowledge.

Not only is doing coffee runs an essential life skill, it is also a rite of passage. Everyone deserves the experience of muttering, “I’m getting experience,” while gritting their teeth and juggling 15 different coffee orders in their hands.

3) Don’t ever graduate.

With enough sleep deprivation and dorm room cup noodles, it is easy to convince oneself that being a student is a full-time job. The cycle of papers, exams, and stress becomes the sole purpose for existence and fills the void that a job would. This is why I’m doing a double major in communication and kinesiology with a minor in fine arts and am currently starting a masters degree in philosophy — because I love school so freaking much.

4) Go back in time to when there were actually jobs available.

Legend has it that time travel machines exist in generation X’s closets. Us millennials can jack them, go back in time, take the jobs that they speak so fondly of, and come back to the present cultured and successful while they drivel in penniless despair.  Great Scott, we have to go back!

5) Create a YouTube channel to complain about millennial problems.

All you need is a degree that you have no use for and a camera. Set the camera up in your bedroom. Complain about life. Mention said useless degree at least twice in every video you make. Cash in on advertising dollars when you inevitably become famous for being so #relatable.