Bakers gonna bake

White, middle-class, suburbia.
With a fair degree of certainty, I’m going to assume that the only activity you partake in more than listening to Tay-tay is whipping up a fresh tray of chocolate chip cookies.

So this quote is a perfectly apt Venn diagram which outlines your life philosophy: there are always going to be people out there who judge you for loving One Tree Hill. Let them.
It’s their loss for never having known the joy of estranged brothers being united through basketball.

Who needs friends when you’ve got casserole ?

Got some leftover asparagus and cheese? Casserole that bitch. Tuna and hummus? Looks like it’s casserole o’clock. Banana and chives? All aboard the casserole express — next stop, my tummy.

Finally made a friend? For the love of God, please don’t casserole Margaret.  

Good things come in small packages, except a small package

You don’t need to get a four by four — nor do you need a 24-inch cheeseburger pizza. That’s right, put down the 60-pack of single-ply toilet paper and slowly back away from Costco. Size isn’t everything. Well, most of the time. (Yes, I’m alluding to micropenises here. Mircopenisi? Regardless, no offence intended towards those who have a micropenis.)

Having an orgasm is a state of mind

Sure, technically it’s a physical sensation. But if you tell yourself, “You know what? Today, I am going to have an orgasm,” chances are you will.

In a similar vein, if you put your mind to being able to rap every verse to Eminem’s “8 Mile,” that’s exactly what’s going to happen, Marshall.

Aspire for greatness, expect mediocrity

You made a good go of it with high school football. But that inevitably led to a saIes job at a local car dealership. I know you go by your middle name, Joe, but your parents named you “Average” for a reason. Embrace it; there’s no shame in it.

When life gives you lemons, get out 50 cents. You’re at a grocery store. Stop fucking stealing, you kleptomaniac

Life doesn’t just give you lemons. This isn’t a fucking Disney movie. You want some lemonade? Get your good for nothing ass to Walmart, buy some lemons, and make it yourself. Or if you’re a lazy son of a bitch, just buy some lemonade. It’s really not that difficult. While you’re there, maybe see what their return policy is on other bullshit proverbial phrases.