Democrats

You weren’t really sure about this one. The packaging was nice and celebrities keep endorsing it, yet you’ve heard so many questionable things about it, so you’re naturally suspicious. Is it really an exact  replica of Anthony Weiner’s weiner? Is this where all the Clinton Foundation money goes? If Hillary’s had to fake it all these years, will I have to?

You still reluctantly bought it, though — and boy does it work. It may resort to some nasty, wrong (as Donald would say), semi-illegal shit to get you there but when it does, buckle up. Lock the doors, turn up the music, and get to your polling station. Thanks, Obama!

Republicans  

One word: jarring.

Almost as if it were designed without the slightest awareness of the female body, this particular model starts out with a pinch and accelerates until it’s pummeling you in the cervix, going from zero to oh dear God why in a matter of seconds.

Unresponsive when you’re trying to stop it, the Republican vibrator was apparently once well-received, but has since deteriorated into an aggressive, abrasive, literal pain in the ass (though the instructions are strictly opposed to use in “non-traditional” orifices).

The only thing that could possibly make it worse at this point is if it were to start leaking battery acid . . . oh wait.

Conservatives

The batteries used in this model are no longer sold. Maybe there will be a rebranding in a few years, but I’m hardly curling my toes in anticipation.

Liberals

Historically inconsistent (let’s face it, nobody got off in the Stéphane Dion years) but currently reaching new peaks of sex-cellence.

The looks, the charisma, and the boyish charm — this one is on every Montreal housewife’s to-do list, once little Pierre and Sophie are safely tucked in bed.

Every once in a while there’s a glitch, but this vibrator’s loyal following can dutifully ignore such trivial errors in favour of the greater good. And when it’s good, it’s good. Oh, Canada!

NDP

Briefly a big seller, this model once showed real promise but has since reverted to tired tricks that no one really asked for. Buzz, buzz, meh.

Green Party

Does anybody actually use this?