Apparently, the most requested first dance song is “All of Me” by John Legend. This is kind of like hearing that Maroon 5 is coming to play a gig at the Highland, but it’s actually only the bassist, Remy Martin. Does anyone give a fuck? No.

It shows how little you give a fuck that Remy Martin isn’t even Maroon 5’s bassist, but actually a brand of French cognac.

I digress, but the point I’m trying to make here is that at your nuptials you should be throwing some shapes on the D-floor to something slightly less underwhelming. So, here are some bangers befitting of your big day.

“Baby Got Back” – Sir Mix-a-Lot

You first noticed her when another girl at the next table turned to her friend and exclaimed “Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.”

Who could they possibly be talking about? And then you saw her.

You were hooked and couldn’t stop staring. Jake, Sean, and all your other homeboys tried to warn you. It’s a damn good thing you drive a Benz.

Cosmo said she was fat, but you weren’t down with that. Your old man always told you, your anaconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns, hun. Luckily for you, there’s a song that captures your meet-cute rather accurately.

“Bye Bye Bye” – *NSYNC

You’ve come to see that life would be much better if she was gone. She may hate you, but it ain’t no lie — baby, bye, bye, bye.

This was a mistake from the start, so embrace it. Ask your recently hitched wife to kindly stand by the side, round up three of your buddies and Lance Bass (he’s always around) and put on an impressively choreographed dance sequence to renounce your love.

She’s gonna see you out that door at some point — might as well do it in style.


“What Do You Mean?” – Justin Bieber

When you nod your head “yes,” but you want to say “no.” There’s nothing like fostering a sense of entrapment to get everyone in the mood for a romantic occasion.  

“What Does The Fox Say” – Ylvis

Well, seeing how you’re now, in the eyes of the law, married to a fox — “yes” is apparently the answer to life’s greatest mystery.

“Tik Tok” – Ke$ha

Much like Ke$ha, you’re going to be asking, “Where did it all go wrong”?

Perhaps it was when you started brushing your teeth with an entire bottle of Jack Daniel’s, which gave you both liver damage and tooth decay. Or maybe it went wrong because you left for the night and never came back.

Maybe it’s even because when you woke every morning, you felt like you embodied the rapper formerly known as P. Diddy. Embodying P. Diddy is not healthy.

But, the most probable reason it all went wrong is because you decided this was the song you wanted for your first dance.

“My Heart Will Go On” – Céline Dion

This is “your” song. Of course it was going to be the soundtrack to your first dance.

Why are you looking at me that way? No, I haven’t seen Titanic. Why is that relevant?