COLUMN | LIST BITCH: 10 stupid things that I don’t have time for

List Bitch is a new web-exclusive column featuring feisty, unapologetic listicles on life. Check back each week for new content!

1) Decaf coffee

There is a special place in hell for whoever created decaf coffee. Seriously. What a colossal waste of my precious, over-caffeinated time.


2) Neighbours who have, loud, obnoxious sex at all hours of the day or night

Power to you girl, but we both know he’s not that good. Do us all a favour and turn on the stereo or hit the boyfriend mute button.


3) People who hate on feminism

C’mon now, as long as you are a literate human being you know that the definition of feminism is equality. If you’re not down for that, then there is certainly a deeper problem. Do us all a favour and educate yourself before you bash a very beneficial and necessary movement. Look at it this way, we all came out of a vagina. Thus, we all have a reason to respect women.


4) Sleep

What is this foreign, strange-looking term? Seriously though, sleeping may be wonderful, but it is the least of my priorities.


5) Laundry

Why wash when you can Febreeze? Pro tip: buy enough socks and underwear to carry you through weeks and weeks, before your T-shirts get so wrinkly something has to be done, and you’re on to your last ratty, hole-filled sock.


6) Antibiotics that don’t work with alcohol

So you find yourself with strep, or some sort of nasal infection, or even run-of-the-mill anti-acne antibiotics that are ineffective with alcohol. This seems like a cruel joke from the drug manufacturers. I don’t doubt that they’re cackling with glee over our beerless existence as we speak.


7) Peeing

Seriously though, I know I’m not the only one who has found themselves on several occasions, being some sort of busy, only to be called away by goddamn human bodily needs. Seriously, what is more mundane and pointless than peeing. I refuse to believe I’m the only one who feels this way.


8) Boys who bitch about girls being ‘teases’

I’m not going to pretend I understand your insatiable need to be an absolute asshole, but no woman owes you anything. This should be common sense, but evidently the idiot population continues to grow, and us girls continue to fear friendly “hellos” as being too forward. Thanks for that, idiots.


9) Racist comments you try and play off as ‘jokes’

I’m unsure how you managed to miss the memo, but jokes are required to be funny. Tina Fey is funny. Kevin Hart is funny. You on the other hand, are an undercover bigot in dire need of a reality check.


10) People who comment on the amount of makeup on my face.

I’ve gotten it all; from “why do you wear so much makeup?” to “don’t you think it would be better if you wore a bit more (insert cosmetic) here?” Short answer: FUCK NO. If I didn’t explicitly ask your opinion on whatever I chose to put on my face that day, then pipe down.

Bonus points for men who go out of their way to comment on how much “prettier” I’d be if I wore less. Number 1: I don’t spend my time and money on Urban Decay and the perfect winged liner (shit I can guarantee you don’t even understand) to impress your lame, tactless ass. And number 2: I don’t recall asking you what your opinion on my “prettiness” was anyway — seriously, shut up.


  1. Feminism claims to be all about equality, but feminism today is all about hating on men, especially white men, shutting down free speech, rejecting all rationality in the pursuit of raw power, demonizing men, and claiming that any accomplishments by men were stolen from women. The list of feminists horribles is so long it’s hard to imagine that anyone could think it has anything to do with equality.