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I’ve been with my current partner for almost two years now, but I’m at a crossroads: while he’s constantly hinting that we should move in together, I’ve been considering breaking things off. There’s nothing particularly wrong with our relationship; I just feel like I’m losing part of my own identity from being with him, and I see moving in together as the next stage of decline. What should I do?
—My Own Woman
Have you tried meowing insistently at nothing, then scratching at your human’s living room furniture? I find that usually elicits a response.
Well, it finally happened. After balancing everything throughout my first year of university, I put my time at the gym on the backburner and, seemingly overnight, I became acquainted with the infamous freshman 15. And during the summer semester, when I should be spending time on more important things, like working on my tan. Any advice on what I can do to beat the bulge before my entire summer’s spoiled?
— Summer pudgin’
First, you’ll want to creep up on your human while he or she is asleep. Lie silently atop of their stomach and then just as they’re entering the deepest part of REM sleep, execute a single paw swipe towards the facial area. Before the human has a chance to awaken, scamper away and pretend to be sleeping in the next room.
Help! I’m on a performance-based scholarship and my marks this semester are dangerously close to falling beneath the minimum GPA allowed. What can I do to motivate myself to spend more time studying, aside from the obvious looming doom of being kicked out of university?
—Down But Not Out
I would recommend finding the nearest sunbeam and falling asleep in that spot for the next eight hours.
The person I’m writing about is a reader of your column, so I have to be cryptic: I have an increasing suspicion that a member of my family (I still live at home) has stolen something of mine that’s of great financial and sentimental value. Despite casually bringing up its disappearance on a number of occasions, no one seems to be coming forward. Making things worse is the family member most likely to have taken it is a recovering addict. How do I confront the situation, but in a way that won’t divide the household?
—Case Of The Missing Trust
First off, you need to make a decision right here and now on what’s more important to you: maintaining the relationship with this family member or whatever the item is you think they stole. Objects are just objects and no matter the value of the missing item, you only get a limited amount of family in your lifetime. When you decide what’s more important, you’ll have your answer for what to do. Alternatively, you could always try sprawling across the family’s laptop and hope this will draw attention to the fact that they haven’t pet you in several minutes.
With files from Jacey Gibb
