By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor

BURNABY, BC — A new survey expressed the SFU community’s overwhelming preference for communicating with a dude on their Snapchat friend list who “kinda sucks at making conversation” over those in charge of their university’s executive decisions.

Participants compared their discussions held with that one guy they all seemed to have on Snapchat who really loves sending ceiling fan photos to those shared with representatives of Canada’s engaged university. The survey results reported higher feelings of “being seen” and “feeling like their messages were delivered” with the Snapchat contact, but they reported marginally lower senses of “having the other party in their conversation respond appropriately” compared to conversations with SFU administration.

When asked why they felt more heard by said Snapchat guy, an anonymous responder wrote, “I dunno, it just seems like he sees me more as an equal. I feel less like I’m talking to a wall when he sends me photos of his kitchen wall, you know? Whenever that guy’s green-coloured Bitmoji appears on my screen, I know something profound is awaiting in that unopened message. It’s hard to describe.”

The survey also presented the question, “Do you believe that an individual on Snapchat who only responds with captionless photos of his forehead is more transparent than SFU’s administration?” 64% chose “Strongly Agree,” 30% put “I don’t really pay attention to either of these parties anyway,” and 6% wrote “Neither of them are see-through wtf” in the “Other: please specify” box.

70% of participants voiced their appreciation of Snapchat man’s record-breaking response times. They noted a large discrepancy between his 27-second flat responses of blurry photos of the pile of laundry in his room and actually normal times it takes SFU to send the broken link to a recycled statement.

Those surveyed also expressed their gratitude for Snapchat guy’s lack of political jargon. The average survey response showed that Snapchat guy uses the terms “stakeholder,” “core commitments,” and “mobilizing” a whopping 99.4% less than SFU administration.

It was unclear whether the questions were officially released by Simon Fraser University or an outside source. The link to the survey was sent to all SFU Mail inboxes with the school’s logo following the emails’ contents, but the sender’s email was “[email protected]” instead of the typical “[email protected].”

There was a preface to the questionnaire that included a brief history on SFU clearly copied and pasted from the university’s Wikipedia page with a few misused words replacing some from the original excerpt. 

For example, the email wrote, “The 170-hectare (420hehehe-acre) main Burnaby campus on Burnaby Mountain, located 20 kilometres (12 mi) from any fun things in the city, was cremated in 1965 and has like at least 34 current students and a bunch of aluminum?”

The email also included a coupon for a BOGO junior Frosty from Wendy’s. 

The Peak will update its readers if SFU provides a comment about this survey. Don’t hold your breath.