The Shoulder Bump Bandit — an evil, apparently-in-a-rush mastermind who has been terrorizing SFU since September — has struck again.
This is the fourth attack on the SFU populace, and it would seem no one is safe. The latest attack conformed to the pattern seen in the first three, as the Bandit seems to prey entirely on random passersby. He or she walks past the victim in a hallway, stairwell, or classroom and bumps into them, shoulder to shoulder; by the time the victim has looked up, turned, and issued an apology, the Bandit is gone.
The most recent victim, Terrence Chin, bravely came forward to The Peak to share his story — as well as issue a warning:
“I was cruising Tinder and walking at the same time when, all of sudden, my shoulder hit someone else’s. I reeled backwards and turned to apologize excessively, like any normal person would, but whoever bumped into me was gone. No apology. Just gone.”
Though Chin suffered no immediate physical injuries, he believes emotional scarring may be a long-term effect of the incident.
“Anyone reading this, please remember to keep your head up while walking,” encouraged Chin, “No one should have to go through what happened to me. No one.”
Despite frequency and severity of the attacks, university security have no leads and little information to go on.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Don Branch, head of SFU security. “You bump into someone, you both apologize automatically without even thinking about whether it was your fault or theirs. That’s just what you do.”
Eyewitness accounts of the Shoulder Bump Bandit vary, with the suspect between 18 to 54 years of age, male or female, and 5’5” to 6’4”. Based on the information they have, security officers are fairly certain that this is probably “the work of a human . . . or maybe a really smart dog or something.” While the sex and canine-nature of the Bandit remain unknown, all witnesses have confirmed that the Bandit is “super rude.”
Branch also told The Peak that security has reached out to surrounding law enforcement agencies to expand the effort and hopefully bring the Bandit to justice.
“We are aware of this heinous crime and we are taking it very seriously,” said Kathryn Cahtz, a representative for local police. “This is Canada. We, as a country, would fail if people didn’t apologize after bumping into each other or awkwardly stand in front of doorways while we take turns offering to let someone else go through ahead of us. These are the foundations that our nation sits upon.”
Police have also begun contacting universities south of the border for a third-party perspective, theorizing that the Bandit could possibly be an international student and entirely unaware of apologetic Canadian customs. Responses thus far have been unhelpful, though, as any feedback about how to catch someone bumping shoulders without saying sorry has largely been met with, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
