Go back

“Deranged mountain man” publicly executed after “stealing Christmas”

Humour
EIC
EIC
2 min.
0
1215

WHOVILLE — The man who was believed to be responsible for having literally stolen Christmas from the quiet mountain town of Whoville was allegedly executed in a violent, public demonstration.

According to police reports, a 53-year old man who called himself “the Grinch”, snuck into every single person’s house on Christmas Eve and stole all their gifts, toys, decorations and food. Strangely however, he did not steal any furniture, appliances or wiring.

“He stole everything . . . even the crumbs,” said one of the residents who lost everything, “How do you even steal crumbs?”

Previous to this incident, “the Grinch” had no criminal record, and was not seen often by residents as he lived up the mountain. However, the few times he came down the mountain, his presence disturbed some residents.

“Well, he’d scare the children, always going on about how much he hated Christmas, and going on long winded rants about corporations and consumerism” said one devastated Whovillian.

On top of the initial crime, for unknown reasons, “the Grinch” returned Christmas morning and gave back all the presents to the community. Not realizing that he was responsible for the theft, they invited him for their Christmas feast.

“We kind of just assumed that he must have beat up the robber or something, we wouldn’t think that somebody would not only rob us on Christmas, but come back and taunt us, flaunt his luck,” one Who was quoted as saying.

However, there was one witness who saw the Grinch during his robbing spree, a little girl, and immediately after the Grinch had cut the roast beast realized that it was he who had stolen her Christmas tree, having claimed that he was taking it back to the North Pole.

Stories of what happened next change from person to person, but all who’s willing to talk agreed that he was at least burnt, hanged, beheaded and defecated upon. Police did confirm that they had a burnt head in their possession but would not confirm it was that of “the Grinch.”

Some accounts suggest that as he was being dragged to his death, he cried for mercy, claiming that he had a change of heart and that he had realized the true meaning of Christmas.

He claimed it was their forgiveness and happiness that made him change his tune. However, the who’s, not being idiots, didn’t buy it considering his violent demise.

“He thinks he can steal from us who’s and get away with it? Well, I’m sure he thinks different now,” said one angry Who, “well actually he probably doesn’t think at all considering he’s dead, but at least justice has been served.”

Police would like to remind the public that vigilantism is not justice and that justice requires due process. In addition, they state that the who’s were promptly executed for their crimes.

Was this article helpful?
0
0

Leave a Reply

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Read Next

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Block title

New immunotherapy treatment provides hope for aggressive cancer

News Peak Web -
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer Surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy are often recognized as the three most common forms of cancer treatment. Sometimes, the latter two approaches become no longer effective when cancers become drug resistant, allowing the cells to further spread. At the University of Calgary, however, promising developments in immunotherapy intervention seek to provide alternative treatment when common therapies are not viable.  Cells continually divide to replenish dying cells, but certain gene mutations can create cancer cells, which divide and spread in an uncontrolled manner. The human body naturally defends itself from cancerous cells, though sometimes they can “hide from the immune system and avoid being destroyed,” according to the Canadian Cancer Society. Immunotherapy seeks to help strengthen the ability to recognize and fight...

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society