Plan hailed as savior of US economy, research on ending world hunger by firing things into sun already underway
Astronaut Billionaire
WASHINGTON — In a press conference held last Thursday on the steps of the Treasury building, head of the US Department of the Treasury Allan Gorewick announced to a crowd of reporters “the first steps to securing the nation’s financial future.” Gorewick then laid out a new five-year plan plan to reduce the country’s 1.3 trillion-dollar deficit by firing it into the molten heart of the sun.
Gorewick described the historic undertaking to the hushed crowd.
“At its current rate of growth, China’s economy stands to outpace the US economy by 2015. While our nation’s status as a first-world economic power has weakened in the wake of the recession, this is the first concrete evidence of our waning role in the global economy. Because of these dire
times, President Barack Obama has given the Department of the Treasury the authority to ‘just fix it. I don’t care how. I’m the president for Christsakes and If you don’t fix this I’ll Guantanamo Bay you so hard, we will all be speaking Chinese by the time you get out.’
“As such, we will first simplify the tax situation by compounding our massive debt. Currently, the United States is in debt to dozens of countries. By the buying and selling of loans, we will consolidate that loan into a single lump sum, which in the second stage we will load onto a rocket and fire into our sun.
“Now, while debt isn’t a physical object, our receipts, credit reports, and tax documents are. So what we need is for each citizen to empty all their old tax documents into one of the yellow bins we’ve placed outside each house in America. “If we have any room left after that, we’ll fill it with the bankers and economists that caused it all in the first place,” added Gorewick, gesturing to the giant television screens behind him, which lit up to show scenes of riot-gear clad police on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange forcibly throwing bankers, economists, and accountants into the back of swat vans.
But while the plan is being hailed as revolutionary by some, there is a very vocal minority against it, notably those who will be shot into the coronasphere of the class-B star.
Economist Stephen Irving warns against the allure of short-term debt reduction arguing “Please, no! It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do this! Please, you have to listen to me! I don’t deserve this! Get your hands off me! I said get your hand off — ARGH!”
The Department of the Treasury had acknowledged that in all likelihood some innocent people will be incinerated, but maintains it is better to get them all than to leave any stragglers. As of press time, NASA scientists are excited to have new data on the effects of stellar plasma on Gregorio Armani Italian silk.
