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Join the Club!

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New to SFU? Missed clubs day? Finding it hard to make friends? Tired of sitting alone on Friday reading from the Book of Cthulu? Well I’ll bet there’s a club that can take your mind off those ancient maddening thoughts! JOIN THE CLUB is a feature that showcases some of SFU’s lesser known clubs!

This week we highlight . . . The Witness Protection Club

Founded at an undisclosed time sometime between the years 1965 and 2012, the Witness Protection Club is open to any student who is feeling alone or scared, but also threatened by someone they saw commit a heinous crime. So, if you recently witnessed a murder or an armed robbery and think the perpetrator might have gotten a good look at you, don’t delay in joining this club!

Unfortunately, despite being one of SFU’s most popular clubs for students facing extreme danger, there isn’t a lot of public information about the Witness Protection Club. For some reason they aren’t listed among SFSS clubs and never publicly release their meeting times or locations.

Anyways, if you’re interested in joining them or just checking them out, they get together every Monday from 12:30–2:30 in AQ5047 under the guise of an upper level English course in “Early Shakespeare.” I know because my friend Todd Simpson is a member; he was one of the witnesses in the case of the Burnaby Mangler. So if you want to say “hi” to him, he’ll definitely be there at that time and location. Just ask for John Smith. Have fun!

 

—By Brad McLeod

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society