Aries (March 21— April 20)
The average person swallows 10 spiders a week in their sleep. Looks like you’re going to have an above-average week!

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
They say that life imitates art; someone is going to cut off your arms.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Chance circumstances will cause you to meet the man (or woman) of your dreams. Your 9th
grade math teacher, naked and losing his teeth.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
The stars are too busy fusing elemental hydrogen into helium to deal with your shit this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Due to a clerical error, the horoscope for all Leos last week was actually intended for Sagittarii.
Please adjust your futures accordingly.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
There’s no time to explain! Get in the van!

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
With Mars’s influence strong in your sign this week, and the moon waning in Jupiter, now is
definitely the time to invest in foreign grain.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
They say that genius is 99 per cent perspiration, one per cent inspiration, but no one ever said it
while wading through ankle-deep puddles of sweat. Get yourself checked out.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
CORRECTION: In last week’s Sagittarius horoscope, the word “cough” should have read “brain
aneurysm;” we apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unable to cope any longer with the pressures of Life, you finally decide to end it all this week. You
also decide to end your Men’s Health and Esquire while you’re at it.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Sorry to say, but it’s not your heart of gold that your blind date is interested in as much as your
kidneys of reasonable health.

Pieces (February 20 – March 20)
Tragedy befalls you this week in a cruel twist of fate. Also your nipples.
By Gary Lim