Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
Read a book this week. You never know when you’ll earn a bonus 1% in class for being able to recite the first 500 words of the Necronomicon.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
Spend your break studying hard. Not hard like the colloquial adverb, but like the abstract concept of “hard.” Maybe if you really understand the cruelty of unyielding steel and the unfriendliness of a concrete floor, you’ll stop being such a cold, hard-hearted snitch.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
Relax, OK? It’s not about you right now.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
You just want permission to be weak this week. And you have it. Collapse into bed and dream of a world where Chikorita got the power and attention it deserved as the cutest Johto starter Pokemon.
Leo — July 23–August 22
Your career worries will drown you this week. Swim towards your future by selling your waterlogged lungs on the Australian black market, but not before taking a year to “find yourself” there while working on some derelict farm in the Outback.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Your excuses are as fragile as your platonic social contracts this week. Clean your damn house, before your house cleans you.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Aim high this week, in all your projects. You know what they say: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land in the extraorbital vacuum, where you and your exploded florid red innards will become the next astronomy hoax.”
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
Spend this week hiding somewhere in the darkness. Not sure where to find the darkness? Try season 2 onward of any show run by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa — I mean, seriously, what on earth have they been telling their lighting team?
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Practice saying things like “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong” this week. Subconsciously, you have started to notice that lies are the only way to mediate conflicts among your friends. Well, lies and strange parties in Maple Ridge (and there are always strange parties in Maple Ridge).
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
Buy a bunch of worthless luxuries this week. The church will forgive your excesses. After all, the eighth Catholic virtue is corporate brainwashing.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
You need more attention this week. Build all kinds of amazing new social media accounts; let a fresh Instagram offer you a new identity myth. Then, once reading week ends, abandon them all until you forget the passwords forever.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Destruction will approach you this week. Flare your nostrils as a scare tactic. Nobody, not even the Grim Reaper, is coming near that.