Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
This week, tell your suitor that it’s French kisses or nothing — and you really do mean French kisses. If your date’s lips can’t whisper Jean de la Fontaine’s “Le corbeau et le renard” to you from memory, start to finish, then there’s just no future there.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
You can’t go wrong with a nice romantic seafood dinner this week. The tanked lobster at Superstore scuttling away from the cashier’s tongs loves you almost as much as you love him . . . or so agriculture has raised you to blindly believe.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
You will spend this Valentine’s Day extremely unsatisfied. It’s hard when no one understands you like you do. As Sartre said, hell is other people — your best bet is to spend the night cuddling a big fluffy strain of coronavirus.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
The one you love will get you very hot this week. And you’ll love it. Thank God you’re pining after someone who’s not afraid to rack up a heating bill on that thermostat in this death weather.
Leo — July 23–August 22
Beauty is your sword and shield this week. When a classmate raises their hand to steal your participation marks, cut them down with an alluring look and cut in with the exact correct answer to whatever question your instructor asked — or a super BS answer that will make people take pity on you and lull them into a false sense of security, your call.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
You do many different kindnesses for your partners, but this week, you should consider letting them reciprocate. If anyone deserves to be sweetly serenaded in the middle of the night with “Turn Down for What,” it’s you and your martyrdom.
Libra — September 23–October 22
You and those close to you need to find a place to confess this week, where you can confess to the sinful nights you’ve all shared. Getting together via group chat to scour the embarrassing Instagram of that old classmate you all hate is just not something you do out of wedlock.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
You’re gonna rock someone’s whole world this week. They will never be the same when they find out you can pour classic and maple pecan syrup into coffee.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
There’s no week like this week for you to do with yourself that thing you like with your persecution complex.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
Romance is exhausting. Spend this week in bed whenever you can manage it. Let your freshly laundered bedding and Godiva chocolates protect your virtue, constitute your vice, and imitate your valium.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Punish yourself this week with whips. Cool Whip, Miracle Whip, Cheese Whip, and whatever other gross commercial brands you’ve been buying and then promptly shoving to the back of your family’s fridge to rot. Disgusting.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
You are a pure innocent daffodil and you shouldn’t be reading The Peak. ~x~Drink water and transfer to Pigfarts~x~