STORYTIME: THE DAY I FOUND OUT ONE OF THE EMPLOYEES AT MACKENZIE CAFE WAS MY MOTHER (part three)

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

Hi everyone! Welcome back to my channel! I know there’s been a bit of a delay . . . I was on vacation. Being an influencer is HARD WORK. Like, it’s literally 24/7, and no one in any other career could ever understand the workload. Like, I haven’t read The Communist Manifesto, but I have a feeling it’s about me, you know . . . I’m in my woke era.

Anyways, if you want a recap of the first two parts, ask the besties in the comments below. My subscribers are the best, and they basically worship me so they can explain my life better than I could. And that’s on parasocial relationships. Speaking of parasocial relationships, today’s video is sponsored by . . . drumroll please . . . myself! Remember in the olden days, like 2004, when pop stars like the pop princess herself, Avril Lavigne, did mall tours? Well, wouldn’t it be so Y2K if I did one?

Check out the description to see if I’ll be hitting up a mall near you. If you actually want me to glance in your direction during the tour, it’ll be $350 and $500 for a photo, but only if I’m in a good mood that day. You must pay in advance, and I will not be issuing refunds. I can’t wait to meet all of y’all! I’m just kidding; I need another income stream because y’all keep cancelling every brand I collab with.

Okay, back to the STORYTIME. So, I’m at Mackenzie Cafe, ordering my stir fry because I’m hungry. I’m watching this sweet woman making my double-tofu stir-fry on rice noodles with all the veggies EXCEPT carrots (fuck carrots). She looks up and asks me, “What sauce would you like?” and I say, “Thai chilli, please!” Y’all know what this woman said to me? Do you know what she said to ME? I am still beyond shook. She said, “No. Teriyaki is better.” So, we’re making eye contact, right? She’s looking at me, and I’m looking at her, and she’s looking at me, looking at her. SHE PUTS THE TERIYAKI IN THE STIR FRY.

At this point, y’all, I am bewildered. Bewildered. Y’all know me, though. I’m always cool as a cucumber. I’ve like never raised my voice ever in my life. So, I stand there in silence, looking confused, similar to how I will be during my mall tour because I keep rescheduling with my public speaking coach.

So, she hands me the stir fry, and I say, “Thank you,” because my mom raised me right. I also pay for it because I’m way too pretty to be running from campus security in the AQ. So, I carry my stir fry to my office. That’s right, SFU might not give TAs an adequate Collective Agreement proposal, but they do give us offices. Even holding it in my hand, I can tell the weight is different. Thai chilli sauce doesn’t feel like this.

I open the box, unwrap my chopsticks, and I start eating. In the beginning, I was apprehensive. But the flavours, y’all; they were dancing. The sweetness was tangoing with the tanginess. The savoury was tap dancing with the umami . . . Suddenly, I was doing my little happy food dance.

So, it dawned on me. That woman, she is MOTHER. She knew what was best for me. She saw that I was lost, and she helped me get found. Those days when I used to swear by Thai chilli sauce, those days are over. I am a brand. new. teriyaki sauce. bitch.

Anyways, y’all, I have to go do literally anything else because the golden hour is over, and like, what’s the point of being on camera if I don’t look like I’m dripping in gold.

Remember: