Horoscopes August 8–14

0
970
A peaceful cartoon woman surrounded by Zodiac symbols. She wears a yellow dress and has orange hair. Her hands are raised to hold one of the glowing signs.
What do the ambiguous stars have in store for you this week? ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Isabella Urbani, Mediator for the Stars

Aries — Mar 21–Apr 19

Guess who’s becoming YouTube’s latest food vlogger? Who else is going to tell the people whether or not McDonald’s newest summer drink is good? Let’s get one thing right here: you’re going for number of vlogs, not quality. The Stars aren’t that mean.

 

Taurus — Apr 20–May 20

I understand that you’re still super obsessed with that guitarist✨Kirk Hammett✨from the band you just discovered last week. Too bad you’re 40 years too late. He was topping the charts when your parents were your age. Don’t sweat it, just learn how to shift planes. Watch a TikTok or two, it can’t be that hard.

 

Gemini — May 21–Jun 20

You want to feel real power? Recite Pi. You heard me. Next time you’re in an argument, just start screaming the digits of Pi. How can they one up that? They can’t. You win, by default. That’s just the rules. I would know, I happen to make them.

 

Cancer— Jun 21–Jul 22

Um . . . I don’t really know what to say. The Stars kind of just skipped over you LIKE YOU SKIPPED OVER THEIR ADVICE LAST WEEK. Anyways, talk to you soon.

 

Leo — Jul 23–Aug 22

AHHHHHH IT’S LEO SEASON! Everyone knows Leos are the Stars’ faaaavourite sign. Throw a block party. Volunteer (as the people pleaser you are, ofc) to host it at that family’s house that has a nice pool. You are the hostess with the highest chance to end up dancing on a table after all. Jokes. Viruses are real.

 

Virgo — Aug 23–Sept 22

Getting big camp vibes from you Virgo. Summer is ending, and your birthday is approaching and that’s a whittle scary for you. Invite your first three contacts for a weekend-long trip in the woods. No glamping. Just you, nature, and existential dread. I mean, bug repellent. Or are they equally as bad? Idk.

 

Libra — Sept 23–Oct 22

It’s time to get your driver’s license. The last three summers didn’t feel like the “right” time to you, but this year, there is something in the heatwave compelling you to go through with taking that driving test. You don’t have a car, your L may have expired for all you know, but just book it anyway. That’s a problem for fall you to deal with.

 

Scorpio — Oct 23–Nov 21

Three words. Guinness World Records. You’ve been feeling a little underappreciated lately, Scorpio. What’s a better pick-me-up than becoming the newest title holder for “most apples held in one’s mouth and cut by chainsaw in one minute?” I mean that just screams you! Wait, aren’t you allergic to apples?

 

Sagittarius — Nov 22–Dec 21

Knock. Knock. It’s change at your door. I’m calling for a full-blown makeover, starting with your hair. Grab some kiddy scissors and have a go at it. Don’t forget to ask your friend what their favorite colour is. No reason . . .  just that it’s becoming your new hair colour.

 

Capricorn — Dec 22–Jan 19

Remember that game you played relentlessly in the summer when you were 12 years old? Yeah, I heard through a very reliable source that the final boss of that game is talking some major smack about you. Are you just going to let a fictional character do that to you? NO! Maybe if you were a Sagittarius. You set your N64 back up and you slay the shit out of that dragon!

 

Aquarius — Jan 20–Feb 18

Hiya, don’t be mad at me, but prepare to get high, and I don’t mean what you usually get up to on Friday nights. That’s right, you’re skydiving. Yes, you might be afraid of planes. But it will be over in a second, and you’ll thank me. You will thank me, right?

 

Pisces — Feb 19–Mar 20

You know how teachers occasionally ask if you speak more than one language? Well, you’re tired of never being able to put your hand up. So you know what you’re going to do? You’re going to learn a new language. And not just any new language — a brand spanking new one. Get to work, Duo is calling.