Animal meeting concludes humans are garbage at recycling

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An illustration of a gathering of bears sitting on the grass
ILLUSTRATION: Nazmus Sakib / The Peak. How would you like it if I kept your food in a bin?

By: Nathan T., Peak Associate

Dear humans,

We strongly encourage you to read the latest meeting minutes for the weekly Burnaby Mountain Conservation Area Bear Community Meeting as part of the Burnaby Mountain Neighborhood Committee. We trust you will enact changes to your garbage disposal habits in line with best practices.

 

July 2 Weekly Burnaby Mountain Bear Consortium

Special guests: Northern Port Moody Cougar Family

Location: Office of the President Strand Hall, 3000–8888 University Drive

Date: July 2, 2022 at 3:00 p.m.

Attendees: Bears: Simon, Fraser, Robert, Brown

      Cougars: Lorne, Davies, McFogg, Uni

 

Agenda items:

  • Discussing availability of human trash as food

Be it resolved that human methods to dispose of trash are currently unacceptable:

All in favour / Motion passed

  • President Simon said if the humans will not let us eat their trash, we should eat the humans instead.
  • Observation manager Fraser added, “Early morning humans will be less able to run away, but were only widely available during exam period when the Burnaby Campus library operates 24/7.” This caused an uproar.
  • Sustainability representative Uni said that if we ate the humans, they would produce less garbage and thus less food for us to eat. “We needed to be sustainable in how we treat the humans so we can keep getting food from them long term,” he stated. Robert concluded the local humans were moving towards composting which was good for nature.
  • Simon countered that the meeting committee was part of nature and it was not always good for them.
  • The committee formed breakout sessions to define the meaning of the term “nature.”

  • Discussion of the definition of nature:
  • Deliberations lasted for four hours.
  • Reactions ranged, but generally all parties agreed that nature was something humans liked exploiting. “Just look around us, bro,” Fraser said.
  • Deliberations proceeded to explore “places where we can poop without a human yelling at us.”
  • Discussion proved unproductive as all voting parties agreed that meeting fatigue was present. There was a unanimous agreement to leave the tawdry work of defining nature to the people living in the giant gray prison structure adjacent to the meeting space. Discussion concludes.
  • Participants returned to the main room and took a nap. Upon return, Uni wanted to discuss food dispensers (i.e. human waste disposal cans).

  • Discussion of food dispensers AKA waste disposal cans:
  • Head of cougar resources Lorne provided background information on the locks of the trash cans, arguing all animals should take a stand on it.
  • Parks and recreation representative Davies told Lorne he needed to get shredded and work out more and that he had plenty of recreation classes available for him to join. Lorne reluctantly said he knew but that the gyms on the west side were way too far away for him to get to.
  • Uni wanted to stop the group from getting distracted and informed the Council that local humans were moving to composting. He brought a motion to inform humans that animals are natural compost machines that don’t require infrastructure or transportation.

Be it resolved that humans are informed of proper composting methods:

All in favour / Motion passed

  • Simon agreed that humans needed to know the plight of animals.
  • Fraser brought up that since humans used tiny red pieces of meat in their mouths to communicate instead of their bodies like all other animals, it would be hard to communicate with them.
  • Uni said that they could use a combination of body language and speech to make sure the humans understand.

Be it resolved to scare the humans with roars and charges if they continue locking their waste disposal cans: