By: Sarah Russo, SFU Student

You thought going through Strand Hall, awkwardly making eye contact with a baddie walking towards your shared lecture while you headed away was a rush last year? Well, now you’re older and spending half of your time getting fucked by previously unknown assignments on Canvas and the other half just . . . not getting fucked. Damn, that’s rough. At least you’re close to graduating, right . . . ? Uh, here’s a breakdown of how university sucked your finances, creativity, and general joy right out of you while you were wishing something else was getting sucked on, instead.

First-year

• Those models on pamphlets in the Health & Counselling room could use your eager expression for its “Let’s Talk About Sex!” campaign
• Enough condoms in your sock drawer that you’re known by your roommates as the “Rubber Plug” for more reasons than one
• “If McFogg the Dog or COVID doesn’t take you out, can I?”

Second-year

• Strong jaw muscles, stronger will to try partaking in socially-distanced dates, but they just end in you two fucking, anyway. Shame on you
• You watched that TikTok that tells you to record yourself like you’re topping and you’ve never been the same ever again
• Beastars isn’t that bad, is it?

Third-year

• Incognito can only hide so much. You know what you’ve done
• A Tinder message asking you to hang out sets off your fight or flight response
• Wait, was that match you just blocked your TA? . . . Can you undo that unmatch?

Fourth-year (you think?)

• All those busts in the shower makes it the new Peanut Gallery
• Did that classmate smile at you in lecture? Is that churning in your stomach excitement or indigestion from the bit of food you’re about 23% sure was food on your laptop’s trackpad?
• Did you ever use your SFU hoodie as a cum rag or are you not a FASS student?

[redacted]-year (help)

• Enough previously used cum socks in your sock drawer that there’s no room for all of first-year’s condoms
• You tried using the “Grad 2018” lanyard you got in first-year to tie up your partner in bed but it made you cry instead
• Oh, Peanut Gallery! Haha, I get it now. You kids. Anyways, remember when the old SFSS president got impeached?