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How your sex drive changes based on what year you’re in

Humour

New year, new desire to be as far away from people as possible

Humour
Humour
1 min.
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ILLUSTRATION: Maple Sukontasukkul / The Peak

By: Sarah Russo, SFU Student

You thought going through Strand Hall, awkwardly making eye contact with a baddie walking towards your shared lecture while you headed away was a rush last year? Well, now you’re older and spending half of your time getting fucked by previously unknown assignments on Canvas and the other half just . . . not getting fucked. Damn, that’s rough. At least you’re close to graduating, right . . . ? Uh, here’s a breakdown of how university sucked your finances, creativity, and general joy right out of you while you were wishing something else was getting sucked on, instead.

First-year

  • Those models on pamphlets in the Health & Counselling room could use your eager expression for its “Let’s Talk About Sex!” campaign
  • Enough condoms in your sock drawer that you’re known by your roommates as the “Rubber Plug” for more reasons than one
  • “If McFogg the Dog or COVID doesn’t take you out, can I?”

Second-year

  • Strong jaw muscles, stronger will to try partaking in socially-distanced dates, but they just end in you two fucking, anyway. Shame on you
  • You watched that TikTok that tells you to record yourself like you’re topping and you’ve never been the same ever again
  • Beastars isn’t that bad, is it?

Third-year

  • Incognito can only hide so much. You know what you’ve done
  • A Tinder message asking you to hang out sets off your fight or flight response
  • Wait, was that match you just blocked your TA? . . . Can you undo that unmatch?

Fourth-year (you think?)

  • All those busts in the shower makes it the new Peanut Gallery
  • Did that classmate smile at you in lecture? Is that churning in your stomach excitement or indigestion from the bit of food you’re about 23% sure was food on your laptop’s trackpad?
  • Did you ever use your SFU hoodie as a cum rag or are you not a FASS student?

[redacted]-year (help)

  • Enough previously used cum socks in your sock drawer that there’s no room for all of first-year’s condoms
  • You tried using the “Grad 2018” lanyard you got in first-year to tie up your partner in bed but it made you cry instead
  • Oh, Peanut Gallery! Haha, I get it now. You kids. Anyways, remember when the old SFSS president got impeached?
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Burnaby apologizes for historic discrimination against people of Chinese descent

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By: Heidi Kwok, Staff Writer On November 15, community members gathered at the Hilton Vancouver Metrotown as the City of Burnaby offered a formal apology for its historic discrimination against people of Chinese descent. This included policies that deprived them of employment and business opportunities. The “goals of these actions was exclusion,” Burnaby mayor Mike Hurley said.  “Today, we shine a light on the historic wrongs and systemic racism perpetuated by Burnaby’s municipal government and elected officials between 1892 and 1947, and commit to ensuring that this dark period of our city’s history is never repeated,” he stated. “I’ll say that again, because it’s important — never repeated.” The earliest recorded Chinese settlers arrived in Nuu-chah-nulth territory (known colonially as Nootka Sound) in 1788 from southern China’s...

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Burnaby apologizes for historic discrimination against people of Chinese descent

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By: Heidi Kwok, Staff Writer On November 15, community members gathered at the Hilton Vancouver Metrotown as the City of Burnaby offered a formal apology for its historic discrimination against people of Chinese descent. This included policies that deprived them of employment and business opportunities. The “goals of these actions was exclusion,” Burnaby mayor Mike Hurley said.  “Today, we shine a light on the historic wrongs and systemic racism perpetuated by Burnaby’s municipal government and elected officials between 1892 and 1947, and commit to ensuring that this dark period of our city’s history is never repeated,” he stated. “I’ll say that again, because it’s important — never repeated.” The earliest recorded Chinese settlers arrived in Nuu-chah-nulth territory (known colonially as Nootka Sound) in 1788 from southern China’s...

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Burnaby apologizes for historic discrimination against people of Chinese descent

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By: Heidi Kwok, Staff Writer On November 15, community members gathered at the Hilton Vancouver Metrotown as the City of Burnaby offered a formal apology for its historic discrimination against people of Chinese descent. This included policies that deprived them of employment and business opportunities. The “goals of these actions was exclusion,” Burnaby mayor Mike Hurley said.  “Today, we shine a light on the historic wrongs and systemic racism perpetuated by Burnaby’s municipal government and elected officials between 1892 and 1947, and commit to ensuring that this dark period of our city’s history is never repeated,” he stated. “I’ll say that again, because it’s important — never repeated.” The earliest recorded Chinese settlers arrived in Nuu-chah-nulth territory (known colonially as Nootka Sound) in 1788 from southern China’s...

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024