Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

PORT COQUITLAM, BC — On Tuesday morning, local quarantiner Angelica Velasquez reported that her neighbour’s plants were looking hot as fuck, especially the maidenhair fern growing in their window. 

“She [the fern] has always been a real cutie, but today she’s really serving a look. Just check out that hydration, that chlorophyll,” said Velasquez. “I just really admire her vibrancy in these tough times. She’s so strong.” 

Green and glamorous, the maidenhair fern moved into the neighbourhood about five months ago, says Velasquez, though she has led a fulfilling career so far. To date, the fern has made it to the Forbes 30 Under 30, ran for the presidential nomination in the US 2020 Democratic primary, and killed Albus Dumbledore. 

“Of course, it’s all such a sad reminder of how much of a shut-in I’ve been these days. But at least someone’s getting the spotlight,” says Velasquez, the “spotlight” in question being the rays of the sun.

Now, Velasquez says, her neighbour’s maidenhair has inspired her to take initiative and drop the “dead weight” in her life, to focus on the future. Amongst other things, the fern has inspired Velasquez to finally dump her deadbeat boyfriend, whose only response was a texted “sorry I cant fuckin be her :/ [sic].” 

Velasquez was unable to provide her neighbour’s name or contact information, though she notes that this may have to do with their refusal to communicate through any medium other than speech bubbles in Animal Crossing. 

Aside from their general beauty, maidenhair ferns, or adiantum, are known for their ability to shed water without getting wet themselves. It is rumoured that pop icon Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” was actually ghostwritten by a maidenhair fern, though this might just be another piece of gossip circulated by Swift’s evil ex-manager.