The Guinness Book of SFU Records

Illustrated by Reslus

Written by: Jennifer Low

It’s about time SFU finally recognized us, its students, for all we do. From the countless hours of late-night Netflix binge-watching studying and essay-writing to the ridiculous amount of time we spend on transit, it’s time we get credit for our hard work.

SFU has released an official list of the hardest working students who have broken student records and finally made a name for themselves.

Rebecca Linden: Most hours spent staying awake studying for an exam

We’re all great contenders, but this student has gone above and beyond the call of duty. In breaking this record, Rebecca has transcended to a level of sleep deprivation where no one has gone before.

She went beyond the 24-hour mark of impaired coordination, memory, and judgement. She passed through the emotional rollercoaster of 36 hours, soon followed by the involuntary naps and zoning out of 48 hours and the hallucinations of 72 hours. It was a hard time, and it won her the title of the school’s Resident Zombie.

Joseph Glinton: SFU’s greatest essay writer on topics they don’t know anything about

This student never turned up to lecture, never did a single pre-reading, and turned in the greatest piece of literature known to humankind: “The B.S. essay.”

Joseph deserves to be recognized for his unedited, Red Bull-fueled masterpiece. Let’s be honest: the essay is so confusing and talks itself in so many circles that the TA and professor gave him a good grade only because they didn’t want to admit that they couldn’t understand it. You are exceptional, Joseph . . . exceptionally lazy.

Anonymous: SFU’s most notorious non-paying parking lot hog

Whoever has broken this record is out there. We know they are. We’ll never have enough proof, but they’re lurking out there, somewhere.

Chloe Ng: SFU’s top coffee consumer

This outstanding individual likely has unlimited funds and an unparalleled love for the caffeinated beverage. Likely carrying more than six cups of coffee to her two-hour lecture, Chloe is an inspiration to us all. While her productivity is questionable, her ability to keep her shaking hands steady enough to fill out a Scantron is commendable.

Faraj Dawoud: Most SFU merchandise worn at one time

Some people tolerate their school, some people like their school, but this record could only be shattered by a student who is truly in love with SFU.

Exclusively shopping for his clothes, dishes, supplies, and furniture at the bookstore, Faraj is the epitome of school pride, and he wants everyone to know where his degree came from. Although it is not known for certain, it is rumoured that he keeps asking where he can buy his own McFogg the Dog Mascot costume.

Anika Laghari: Most raccoon sightings

This student should also be known as the Raccoon Whisperer, as the masked animals seem to flock to her like moths to a flame. Anika’s Instagram feed is full of blurry filtered images of the majestic creatures, and others envy her ability to be at the right place at the right time. She lives on the Raccoons of SFU Facebook page, and her skills deserve some serious recognition.