The diets and natural habitats of the most common SFU faculties

Assessing if you are observing a business student or an education major may mean the difference between life or death in the wild

Environmental sciences

Diet:

Predominantly vegan and vegetarian

Green leaf salads with no dressing

Kombucha

Chickpeas

Tofu

Hummus

Rice crackers

Dandelions

Pure unfiltered sunlight

Behaviour and habitat:

They can often be found grazing at Renaissance Coffee, Nature’s Garden Café near the upper bus loop on University High Street, or sitting in the grass by the koi pond and the avocado statue. You can identify an environmental sciences student easily in the summer semester: they love being outside and are the first to don dresses, blouses, and shorts when the weather gets even a little bit warm. They have been known to attack engineering students, but only in a pack of other environmental sciences students.  

 

Criminology

Diet:

Chicken teriyaki

Avocado rolls

Steak cooked medium rare with eggs over easy

Hash browns

Toast with jelly and butter, milk, and juice (the traditional last meal for those on death row)

Dark chocolate cupcakes

Bloody Marys

Cherries

Behaviour and habitat:

These students get their life energy through documentaries on serial killers, correcting people’s incorrect use of the term “psychopath,” and having debates over punitive vs. restorative justice approaches. If you’re seeking out a criminology student, they can be found in the group study section on the second floor of the library, where they undoubtedly will attract other crim students until a pack forms, or in Saywell Hall. It is said that all criminology students share a telepathic connection with students of the same major, but evidence of the existence of this ability is slim.

 

Business

Diet:

Gin and tonic

Moscow mules

Timbits

Smoothies with extra protein

Devil’s food cake

Super, SUPER rare steaks

Coffee grounds — not even black coffee, just the grounds.

 

Behaviour and habitat:

If you spot a business student in the wild, remain calm, avoid eye contact, and walk away quickly. In recent years, there have been multiple documented sightings of a business major sucking the blood out of freshmen students that stay on campus after dark. Business students can be found in packs in the classrooms far below Images Theatre.

 

Visual arts

Diet:

Hard candy

White chocolate Kit Kats

Strawberries

Smoothie bowls

Cappuccinos with art in the foam

Yellow, red, white, black, and blue oil paint

Glue

Behaviour and habitat:

They have been known to die if someone doesn’t ask to see their sketchbook at least once a week. They are prey to all other majors, except gender, sexuality, and women’s studies students and interactive arts and technology students. If you are trying to decide if the student you are observing is a visual arts student, pay attention to see if there are charcoal or paint marks on their hands and clothes. They can be found mindlessly doodling in empty classrooms — or sometimes during other classes.

 

Communications

Diet:

The blood and body of Marshall McLuhan

Behaviour and habitat:

Communications students tend to gather around outlets located on campus, charging their phones and laptops as they binge on current events and YouTube videos. Their natural diet consists of electricity, men that resemble Mark Zuckerburg, crosswords, Menchie’s frozen yogurt, cheese pizza, and poutine. It may be difficult to spot a communications student with their face buried in their laptop screen, but if they have about a dozen tabs open with key words like “Frankfurt School,” “Internet Proletariat,” “Huffington Post,” and “Vox,” you’re most likely observing a comm major in their natural habitat. These students get along with most faculties, but most frequently co-exist with English and interactive arts and technology majors.

 

Philosophy

Diet:

Cheap red wine

Green olives

French bread

Pages from old books

Dying stars

Edibles

Behaviour and habitat:

The philosophy student is a nearly extinct species and is rarely sighted in the wild. If you would like to spot one of these fine creatures, ask, “What is the meaning of life?” aloud and one will surely appear. These students can be found staring at the ceiling in basement suites and old apartments. They are the natural predators of English and physics students.

 

Psychology

Diet:

Human brains

Myers-Briggs personality test results

Behaviour and habitat:

Psychology students are one of the most dangerous student species on the planet. These students can coexist with criminology and sociology students, but no other faculties. They can be found predatorily people-watching in the AQ.

 

Education

Diet:

Matcha green tea

Lattes served in cute or funny mugs

Smiley French fries

Dry white chalkboard chalk

Mint chocolate chip ice cream

Brown bag lunches

Behaviour and habitat:

Education students rarely drink alcohol, but if they do, they have fruity cocktails or light-calorie beer. If you want to see an education student, try locally owned, plant-filled coffee shops or the private study spaces on the second floor of the library.

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