The worst times to Hulk out

Illustrations by Alice Zhang

By: Ahmed Ali

As you all know, constantly turning into a 10-foot-tall Rage Monster when you get angry is never the most convenient superpower. There are times where it will be a minor inconvenience, and there are other times where when going Green is a HUGE inconvenience — here is a list of those awful times.

  1. Sex, blowjobs, and masturbation. 

As you know, Bruce is a pretty thin guy, so we assume his junk is pretty standard — but The Hulk’s junk is going to be massive. This is going to make sex a real gamble because you might end up with a 20-inch-long and 7-inch-wide veiny rod of tissue in one of two orifices . . . neither of which is going to pleasant. On top of that, when the Hulk cums, he’s probably going to blow through you and through the next building over. Going out by an overpowered ejaculation is probably pretty unique, though.


  1. During an exam

When taking an exam, you’re already going through a lot of questions and emotions: “What is the integral of 2sinxcosx?” and “Why didn’t I study this part instead of watching Netflix?” and “If I drop out now can I make minimum wage by rapping about memes on SoundCloud?”

Going through so many emotions is why being the Hulk is a bad power for exams. You start not being able to answer 10 questions, and the next thing you know is that you’ve turned big . . . ripped the paper in half, and smashed through the exam hall, looking for some way to escape the pain.

And the worse part is that the admin will fail you right there instead of helping you.


  1. Bathroom at a party

You’ve had a long day. You’re at a party looking to chill but you gotta go take a S@$t first. When you’re pushing too hard and then — you go Green! You burst through the door and run off in a panic.

The worst parts are 1) everybody has seen your dong and 2) your Hulk dump would make it better to just nuke the house from orbit than even try going back there.


  1. The bus

Buses have a certain type of atmosphere — one that makes you feel like you’re light years from civilization. You’re in this cramped cave like thing with NO air conditioning and cavemen everywhere, and that’s enough to stress anyone out . . . imagine if you were the Hulk.

In this case, at least the bus would be air conditioned once you Hulk out and smash all the windows open (along with, like, half the bus) — trying to flee a place that’s more a prison than the Vault.


  1. Family reunion

You know all those aunts, uncles, cousins, half cousins, and obscure brothers of an uncle’s  sister’s cousin’s brother’s dad’s roommate named Phil? All those random people you might know who all just converge together to talk about random things? Sometimes it’s just meaningless chit chat . . . sometimes it all turns to you: “You’ve gotten taller, did you find a girl yet? How goes your science stuff, how goes your search for a job — and bankruptcy after your arts degree? Why are you getting taller? Why are you getting green? My, how much you have changed in the last 10 seconds?”

Dealing with the military as a giant Green indestructible monster is much easier than dealing with obnoxious relatives. At least the former won’t question your life decisions and passion for theatre.