New questions OKCupid should ask

Thank you, OKCupid, for making sifting through the garbage a little easier

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Photo-illustration by Linda Shu

By: Hannah Davis

How do you make a smoothie? Do you a) blend your smoothie before you eat it, or do you b) just eat all the frozen ingredients one at a time?

This question can be very revealing of a person’s personality. If they answer “a,” you can glean a small amount of information about the person, albeit mostly about their eating habits. But suppose a person answers “b”. . . this is where things get a little more spicy. You can be SURE that you’ll be in for a wild ride with that individual. They likely live fearlessly — they don’t look both ways before crossing the street, they drive a dirt bike, or they steal stop signs. It’s pretty hardcore to eat all that frozen fruit by itself. But . . . alternatively, maybe this individual is one of those really busy people who just has “NO TIME” for anything. Maybe they are always stressed out and high strung, and that is why they do not take the time to blend their smoothies. Or, maybe the person does not know how to use a blender. In that case, do you want to be with a person who cannot use a simple kitchen appliance? Maybe this question isn’t actually very revealing of a person. Now that I think about it, it may just pose more questions than it answers.

Do you pee in the shower?

This is a question to weed out all the liars. If they answer “yes,” you’re in the clear — this person is honest (at least about one thing). If they answer “no,” watch the HECK out . . . can you really trust this person?

Do you sleep on your bed or under your bed?

I think the reason to ask this question is pretty obvious. Imagine sleeping over at someone’s house for the first time, and when it’s time to go to sleep they just crawl under the bed . . . like some sort of troll creature??? On the other hand, this can help the incredibly small percentage people who sleep under their beds find each other and fall in love, because let’s be honest, any two people who sleep under their beds are destined to be together 4ever and have weird but cute little under-bed sleepovers for the rest of their lives.

If you like hiking, what do you prefer? Do you like to a) hike or  b) HIKE!!!!!!!!!!!

I see this as a way to help differentiate between the people who like to hike, aka take low-key and non-strenuous walks through the forest — and those who like to HIKE, with a bold capital “H.” You know the ones . . . those people who have the inner motivation to go to a mountain and embark on perilous 30 km treks. This is definitely relevant in Vancouver, since outdoors-y culture is so popular that it’s a common occurrence to stumble upon online dating profiles that only consist of: Hiking! *tree emoji*. OkCupid should implement a supplementary questionnaire, to be filled out by anyone who says that they like to hike. Some questions can include: do you REALLY like to hike? How often do you hike? Is your main purpose of hiking to take pics for the ‘gram? (Don’t worry, no shame in this). What sort of shoes do you wear when you go hiking? While on the surface two people may seem to have one base hobby in common, their ideas of the same activity may vary significantly — and it would be nice to be given a little extra context so I don’t end up scaling a damn mountain on my first date.