By: JoJo, Lesbian Studies PhD
Is this mic on? Yes? Alright fantastic!
Hello! And welcome, welcome — everyone, please come on in. Find yourself a seat.
Let me start by expressing just how thrilled I am that you all decided to attend the first-ever annual symposium on Life without Straight Men™. I urge you all to remain calm, I completely understand that hearing such a phrase can be uncomfortable (and even mildly arousing) but please don’t be scared off. The goal of today is to demystify all sorts of topics which are cause for alarm in the Straight Man™ community. We will begin with perhaps the most speculated upon concept of this genre: how do lesbians exist?
The very idea has been known to send men into self-defensive rages as their imagined purpose on this planet is threatened by the possibility that a woman could replace them. We can safely deduce that the majority of you Straight Men™ here today harbour an agonizing fear that you may one day stumble upon two women who may be engaging in intercourse or a romantic relationship and you’ll fail to detect it. Since you obviously know everything about women already, this can be a crippling thought – however, there is no need to fear any longer.
Through the amassment of scientific research on this subject, leading experts in the field have complied enough data to create strict, incontestable criteria that they agree all lesbians are bound to by the very laws of nature. If you believe you’ve entered a room where lesbians reside in man-less pleasure — DON’T PANIC — simply check for the following things:
- Three cats – at minimum. Perched at various heights, cognizant, unblinking.
- 12 plants – at minimum. Enough succulents to constitute an Arizonan conservatory.
- Low lighting – Sins are better in the dark.
- Lighting must come from a variety of haphazardly pinned-up string lights and one or two dominant salt lamps.
- There will be no bras strewn anywhere on the floor — lesbians biologically reject bras, everyone knows that.
- A gay mandate – A piece of artwork which will give you the overwhelming urge to ask how high the artist must’ve been to come up with that ridiculous thing.
- Patchouli – dear God, the patchouli. If you are a Straight Man™, you are going to need to breathe through a respirator or you will pass out.
If you can count off five or six of these seven points, you have reason to suspect you’ve entered a Lesbian Lair. The ability to identify the terrain is pertinent for living in a lesbian-filled society — however, a bigger, darker concern lurks beneath . . . How large is the threat of a lesbian recruiting your straight girlfriend to their Sapphic cult? It’s no secret that lesbians are terrifying to Straight Men™, but if you have reason to speculate that your girl is under threat of conversion, you must act immediately.
If your girlfriend exhibits any symptoms detailed below, contact your nearest fraternity and re-indoctrinate her into heterosexuality.
- Wears more snapbacks than you do — and wears them better . . .
- Selectively stealing your flannels.
- Really wants to plan a “girls only camping trip” with her new friends — even though she’s never gone camping in her life.
If you would like to acquire the full symptoms list, we will be selling lesbian diagnostic packs outside the auditorium during intermission. We will be holding a Q&A session after the break, but if you’d like to contact me anonymously, I can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org.