Wedding ring alternatives

Possible meaningless symbols to represent your marriage

Illustration by Reslus

By: Gene Cole

If there’s anything important to a university student in the first few weeks of the semester, it’s definitely marriage. Perhaps your mother made you think about it over the holidays when she nagged you for grandkids, or maybe you’re too lazy to take your classes this term and the idea of marrying the rich seems like a better career option. Either way — if you think marriage might be for you, but rings are much too unoriginal for a person like yourself, why not try one of these alternative ways to express your love for your partner?

Tattoo

It can take years for people to decide on a design they feel comfortable enough permanently placing onto their skin, but if you’ve found someone you love enough to dedicate the rest of your life to . . . they just might be the right subject for a such a permanent commitment! The question is, what do you and your partner mutually appreciate? You could be fully traditional and get a wedding ring drawn on your finger, or you could be subtle and get a realistic sketch of your partner’s face on your chest. If nothing else, the latter method will prevent your partner from cheating — since nothing kills the mood faster than a stranger’s eyes staring at you from your sexual partner’s chest.

Fake teeth

Some people just don’t feel comfortable wearing jewelry. Maybe your job makes it challenging to wear or perhaps you’re prone to losing things, so why should you even have some external and removable symbol of your love when you can replace parts of your skull as a no-hassle symbol of love? If you have money for an expensive ring, then you easily have money to get a tooth removed and replaced — then both your smile and oral pain can constantly remind you of how devoted you are to your vows. Best of all, you’ll have a truly unforgettable smile which will unsettle every single person afraid of the dentist.

T-shirt

With the money you’ll spend on the tuxedos and dresses for your wedding, you’ll be in a desperate need for money and something comfortable to change into afterwards — so your partner will definitely understand. Best of all, with such cheap material you have full artistic freedom to express your love, ranging anywhere from a romantic pun in bubbly lettering to a logo from your favourite TV show. Either way, you will never forget the face of shock your partner gives you as you hand them their plastic-bagged symbol of love from the crappy shirt store in the mall.

Cuffs

There are few jokes as timeless as calling your spouse “the old ball and chain,” no matter how weird it is to refer to your life partner as a literal prison. If you and your partner feel a need to describe your life together as continuous suffering right out of the gate, why not pass on an extremely subtle, boring metal ring and instead bind yourselves together with chains, linked by the finest rusted iron cuffs. This will give you opportunities to ride this awful joke HARD, and experience a whole world of joy as you never leave each other’s side. Nothing screams romance like forcing yourselves to be bound together through work, relaxation, and bathroom trips.

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