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Alternative ways to unlock your iPhone XX

Humour

As if the facial recognition wasn’t already shitty enough!

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Peak Web
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Illustration by Rebecca Smit

In response to the recent failure of the iPhone X’s much-anticipated facial recognition feature that’s used to unlock the phone, Apple has revealed a variety of alternate unlocking methods in development for the upcoming iPhone XX  (probably in an attempt to save face. . .)

 

Drawing blood from the owner

Apple is looking to build bloodwork and DNA testing software into their handheld machines. “We haven’t decided whether we want to build a syringe into the iPhone or if we just want people to bite their thumbs and smear it on the screen, like Naruto’s Kuchiyose no Jutsu,” their official statement noted. “But either way, I’m sure millennials at least would rather give their blood to us than to those hacks at Canadian Blood Services.”


Bring two pieces of ID

The headache from trying to unlock your iPhone after forgetting the passcode and watching your fingerprint fail is kind of like a hangover, and that might be where Apple got their inspiration. Sadly, if forgotten passcodes are a hangover, then the need to present multiple ID pieces every few minutes is a brain tumour.

“It will teach people moderation,” Apple’s website mentions, obviously forgetting that capitalism is not supposed to benefit the people living under it in any kind of lasting way.

 

Use the phone as a ouija board planchette, summoning your dead grandmotherto unlock the phone for you

The spirits of the dead? Spooky enough to bend reality to their whims. Your grandmother when she’s unhappy? Spookier. The spirit of your dead grandmother, called into the world of the living to deal with some twenty-year-old programmer’s bullshit? The spookiest.

Your grandmother is one hell of a badass, which is why you better respect and cherish her whenever you can. If you think for a second that Siri can oppose her will, think the fuck again. She’ll get you into your precious folder of memes in no time.

 

Literally just break the phone open

Why waste time jailbreaking? In fact, why wait for the enforced obsolescence to kick in? Just smash the screen open and get into it the old-fashioned way. You won’t be able to actually do anything with the phone, but at least you can say that you’re rich enough to own an iPhone XX. That seems to be what most smartphone producers are going for these days.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society