WikiLeaks has dropped a bombshell right before the start of the UN Climate Change Conference in Paris: Justin Trudeau plans to replace petroleum with college students as the world’s leading energy source.
When asked by media about these revelations, the Canadian prime minister was unapologetic about his proposal.
“The world is facing both a serious energy crisis and a rise in global temperatures,” said Trudeau, outside of the Louvre. “The only way to combat this is by finding a source of renewable, clean energy that is more available and efficient than solar, tidal, or nuclear. We believe we have found that source, and that is in the natural hyperactivity found in college students worldwide.”
According to the WikiLeaks document, Canadian scientists had known about the immense power of stressed young adults since 2008. However, Stephen Harper muzzled the scientists in order to protect the “dignity of college students.” Justin Trudeau argues, however, that college students have no dignity during exam season.
“Let’s be real here. When you’re mixing Four Loko and Adderall and contemplating selling your 98 Corolla to that one guy who actually attended lecture in exchange for his notes, you have no dignity left. You literally can’t sink any lower,” Trudeau said, citing his own experiences at McGill.
The following is a list of ways that Trudeau’s Student Energy Plan will be implemented.
Student tear harvester: Statistics Canada has shown year after year that the number of crying students drastically increases during finals, as they accept their impending doom. By using a system of funnels attached to popular student study spots, the government of Canada hopes to recycle the massive amounts of tears that these young scholars expel. The vast quantities of H2O captured through this system could be used to water drought-ridden fields, or it can be reintegrated back into the college environment and used to hydrate legions of thirsty undergrads unable to get a date.
Kinetic energy capturing vests: A lethal mixture of immense stress, no sleep, and copious amounts of coffee causes college students to shake uncontrollably during the weeks leading up to finals. The government of Canada hopes to capitalize on this rapid release of kinetic energy by attaching kinetic energy-capturing vests to all people enrolled in a post-secondary institution. Whenever students vibrate uncontrollably, the vests convert and store that kinetic energy. Once students finish their final exam, they will hand in their paper along with their vests, and then curl up into the fetal position, ready to be used once again by the government.
Fetal position sofas: The cost of making sofas is immense, and it represents an immense drain on the Canadian economy. However, researchers at the University of Saskatchewan have discovered that after final exams, 93 per cent of students immediately enter the fetal position and hibernate until their next term begins. Therefore, Canada, in partnership with IKEA, will be using college students as temporary sofas during their period of hibernation. “These students are the best material possible for making sofas,” said Canada’s Minister of Furniture Development. “They’re rigid enough to put together and stack like Lego, yet quite plump to sit on as they’ve spent the last couple months being beaten down by assignments, exams, and the realization that they’ll never amount to anything in life.” No official word yet on what the new sofas will be called, but sources say the frontrunner is Hunoreschesuckers.