HUMOUR: An open letter to Toyota, with safety concerns about the 2016 corolla

Dear Toyota,

The newest model of the infamously precious Corolla has some overwhelming safety issues that simply can no longer be overlooked. This is only true, however, if your goal is to kill pedestrians, passengers, and drivers alike, which would be ridiculous – that’s Ford’s goal.

My first major safety concern is in regards to the Corolla’s seat belts. If the driver and/or passenger aren’t strapped into these so-called lifesavers, a beeping noise occurs that is not only much too loud, but continues for much too long. The obnoxious sound will actually prevent me from saving my life. It’s much too distracting. Plus, it really bothers the person I’m talking to on my cellphone. In that case, I’m forced to take my phone off of speakerphone and have it clutched between my shoulder and neck, which is annoying, and also illegal. You’re forcing me to do illegal things, Toyota. Think about that.

The 2016 Corolla is also, sadly, not the speediest car on the market. I’ve got places to go and people to see; how am I supposed to speed race? Moreover, how am I supposed to get to Tim Horton’s before it closes? NOT ALL OF THEM ARE OPEN 24/7. If I get pulled over by the cops, they won’t charge me. They’ll understand. Students run on Tim’s, and so do the po-po.

Next up: what’s up with the designated sound limit on the stereo? Why am I unable to crank the volume as high as I want it to be? Do you Toyotans even respect drivers with hearing disorders? Sixty-two is not a viable volume for anyone or anything, especially not for blasting Eminem when I’m feeling like an OG and Drake for those nights when I used to call her on her cell phone when she needed my love, but now she don’t.

Lastly, the lack of cup holders is embarrassing. In what world is eight enough? I got my water bottle, my pumpkin spice latte, my booze from last night, my water bottle from last week, my Iced Capp from a couple days ago, my G-2 from this morning’s workout, my change for the meter and the apple core from breakfast. I need at least a couple more to keep other essentials in. Come on, Toyota!

Look Toyota, you need to check yo’self before you wreck yo’self. Literally.


A concerned driver