Popular nut company’s new product to eliminate unnecessary mixing of inferior snacks
By Gary Lim
ANDALUSIA, AL — The world of mass produced salted legumes may never be the same again following an announcement from famed snack food conglomerate Planters Peanuts. After several decades, the long awaited follow-up to the company’s flagship product “Mixed Nuts” was finally been debuted last Friday, the new line of “Segregated Nuts.”
Industry sources say the new product will contain all the same ingredients found in the classic mixed nuts in the exact proportions. The only difference is now each individual species of nut will be partitioned into its own separate compartment to prevent any unwanted mixing or commingling.
Company vice president and CEO Thaddeus Suffield, dressed in an immaculate white Sunday suit and sipping a mint julep, greeted reporters last Tuesday on a specially built porch outside Planters World Headquarters in Andalusia, Alabama.
“We at planters believe that while the general consensus nowadays is that nuts should be allowed to mix as they please,” Suffield explained, “there are still some people who would prefer it the pecans kept to the pecans and the almonds to the almonds.”
“Some of us long for the good old days when it was a man’s God-given right to determine how familiar he wanted his Brazil nuts to get with his pine nuts without the union gov’ment cramming down our throats.”
Pausing to pour himself another drink, Suffield continued, “I don’t want to bore you nice folk with all high-falutin’ science speak , but our food scientists have assured me you won’t find so much as an acorn’s fart mixed in with the pistachios.”
“These fine folks know what they’re doing. We’re not paying these people peanuts, keep sure of that,” added Suffield, guffawing loudly while holding an empty glass.
“Damn greasy pistachios. Why I remember a day when you could enjoy the pristine purity of grabbing a handful of peanuts without biting into some bland walnut. Hic! Now you listen here boy, if the Macedamias ever get the vote, it’ll be absolute anarch – ”
“The press conference then had to be cut short due to a ‘peanut emergency’ which only Mr. Suffield himself could take care of” explained one of the Planters representatives who came onstage to take the microphone away from him.
Meanwhile, market analysts are already predicting steady gains for Planters throughout the next quarter with segregated nuts already testing well with those people who like to pick all the M&Ms out of the trail mix the fuckers.