Quvenzhane Wallis won’t stop asking everyone she knows what a “c***” is.


By Gary Lim and Alison Roach

HOUMA, Louisiana — Uncomfortable silence and dry-mouthed stammering permeated the sleepy neighborhood of West Hollow, Houma yesterday night. When nine-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhane Wallis asked her entire family over dinner what a “cunt” was.

The Beasts of the Southern Wild actress explained that she had heard the word on a news report about herself and was curious as to what it meant.

The entire situation stems from live coverage of the Academy awards last Sunday online by satirical news source The Onion, who tweeted: “Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a cunt, right? #Oscars2013”

The comment was met with ferocious backlash on Twitter, with many users condemning the satirical website’s use of the word “cunt” to describe a child. Since then, the The Onion has issued a public apology to the young actress for the 102-character character defamation.

Currently attitudes in the Wallis household are divided on how to handle the situation. Father Venjie Wallis Sr. and siblings Vejon and Venjie Jr. think it best to tell her the truth, while mother and sister Qulyndreia and Qunyquekya opt for vehemently denying any knowledge of the word until she forgets about it or gets tired of asking.

Qulyndreia, her mother, spoke to The Peak regarding her daughter’s inquisitiveness.

“Quvenzhane’s a nine-year-old girl. How, I ask you, could it be appropriate to teach her that word? To a child?! She has so much promise; my child, a Best Actress nominee. Did you know she’s been even been cast to play little orphan Annie in the movie Annie (2014)? Quvenzhane has a bright future ahead of her, and exposing her to this kind of language at such this age, it’s a bad influence. Lindsay Lohan learned the word [REDACTED. WE CAN PRINT CUNT. BUT NOT THAT. – Ed.] on the set of Parent Trap. Look at her now. ”

As of Tuesday morning, Quvenzhane Wallis’s investigation of the word’s definition is still ongoing with the family remaining tight-lipped. After a near miss involving a Google search, the young actress has been grounded from the family computer for the foreseeable future.

Sources have also reported a sighting of Wallis focus-grouping with other neighborhood children to see if any of them know the meaning of the word “cunt.” Currently the group speculates it be some kind of toy, animal or power ranger.

As of press-time, Wallis and several neighborhood friends have created a new jump-rope rhyme consisting of the word “cunt” repeated over and over to the tune of “Twinkle, twinkle little star.”