Zombies need new dimensions

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Enough with the boring brain eater already

By Binh Nghiem

KELOWNA (CUP) — If zombies retain some basic primal instincts, like the need to feed, don’t they also need to sleep? Have crazy zombie orgies? Maybe even murder each other for fun/territory? And what’s with eating only live flesh? Zombies are so ultra-gory violent, yet never kill each other (for flesh or otherwise). What’s up with that?

Is dead meat not good enough for the undead? I mean, when they are alive they eat dead meat (vegans/vegetarians aside), but when they become “undead” they all of a sudden develop such a snobbish attitude towards what food they will consume. If you’re so damned hungry, why hold out for living humans? There are millions of potential meals mindlessly walking about all around you. Just start eating each other already! Hell, if I was a zombie I would probably exclusively eat other zombies, because they are so readily available and trusting. It would go down something like this:

Random zombie: “Ggrrraww rrawar human brainrwarggrgr.”
Me: “Yes, grrrgrgrgr over there in corner grgrawwawa.” (I point at a dark corner. Random zombie walks to dark corner. I attack and eat his brains. Covered in blood, I walk to the other zombies.)
Me: “Grggrrawawa human survivors graww kill one of rawww own.”

It would be the perfect crime.

The zombie or zombies who execute this plan might in turn become zombie chieftains who ensure the survival of their kind by not being so damned picky about what to fricking eat, teaching them to swim, starting a zombie civil war, using the internet to search for zombie porn — you know, primal urges and zombie needs other then eating.

On a side note, would vegetarian/vegan humans-turned-zombies not continue their dietary ways? I mean, if zombies eat humans for survival only, wouldn’t nuts/fruits/veggies fulfill other zombie nutritional needs?

Dear Hollywood producers, directors, actors/actresses and writers: stop making films about the survival of a small group of humans who face complex existential questions of murder, betrayal, manipulation and what it means to be human. Instead, make a movie about a zombie that evolves from his/her zombie group. This zombie might inadvertently become an ally to the survivor group, adding a nice twist.

Imagine a group of survivors running down a street. Zombies are attacking and eating each other in the background. It’s a nice touch of pragmatism, don’t you think?