Minotaur discovered in Robert C. Brown Hall
Last week, in an encounter that could only be described as unbelieva-bull, second-year history major Haru Kenji came face-to-face with a creature from Grecian legend: the minotaur.
Although sightings of a 700-pound half-man, half-bull creature roaming the labyrinthine corridors of Robert C. Brown Hall were reported as early as July, officials believed the reports and subsequent vandalisms to be nothing more than an elaborate joke. This suddenly changed when Kenji was able to capture over three minutes of video footage on his phone of the mythological beast goring a bulletin board.
When asked about the safety of the general population, SFU administration responded with assurances but seemed to lack any sort of concrete plan on dealing with maze-dweller. As of press time, Hellenic studies majors were just happy that they were relevant.
Facebook tracks down final humans without Timeline
Nearing the one-year anniversary of introduction of Timeline to the masses, household name and social media giant Facebook proudly announced early last week that Facebook operations teams had successfully located the last instance of human beings that had yet to adopt their patented Timeline profile formatting.
The group of humans, a tribe of Maori nomads, was found wandering the jungles of Papua, Indonesia. Locating the group using infrared heat-seeking technology built into Facebook’s fleet of Zuckerblimps, agents of the popular internet company soon descended on the natives, smoking them out of the brush. Armed with laptops and a satellite connection, each Maori was signed up and on Timeline in a matter of minutes.
This marks the largest operation by Facebook since early March, when two penguin researchers that had failed to sign up for the features were discovered in McMurdo, Antarctica.
Makers of NyQuil and DayQuil introduce 4:30-in-the-afternoonQuil
In the private sector news this week, Vicks, maker of many popular over-the-counter medicinal aids, announced a brand new product slated to be on shelves by mid-October. Building off the success of their NyQuil and later DayQuil products from the early nineties, Vicks is proud to introduce the newest member of the –Quil family, 4:30-in-the-afternoonQuil.
The Peak sat down with Sandra Singh, spokesperson for Vicks to discuss the new product. “Now, we at Vicks listen to our consumer and this is what they wanted. A cough medicine for the time of the day when it’s bright enough to see, but you’d still turn your headlights on when you’re driving. “
“The new 4:30-in-the-afternoonQuil formula is specially designed for that hour’s commute home, non-drowsy, but let’s not go crazy here because, hey, you’re already off work. We definitely did not just fill the bottles halfway with DayQuil and top it off with NyQuil. Definitely not that. “
By Gary Lim
