Campus Update: May 6th

Three-legged pitbull adorably mauls mail carrier

Gnarles Bark-ley, a precocious three-legged pit bull, was taken away by the SPCA last Thursday after violently mauling postal worker Kenneth Cole. The Canada Post worker was making his rounds when the rambunctious and scrappy hound proceeded to viciously rip and tear at his right leg with its itty-bitty jaws.

Terrified/cooing onlookers witnessed the three-legged pup reel back to lunge at Cole’s neck and face, only to lose its balance and tumble off of the concrete stoop and into a patch of dandelions.

Sheila Turner, a neighbour told The Peak, “When the SPCA guys arrived, Gnarles had a guilty look on that widdle-face of his. When they put him in that van and he started whining, it took everything I had not to let him out, and to tend to the man barely clinging to life instead.” The dog is scheduled to be destroyed later this week.

Dominick Palmer

 

Man will be unable to wear fedora unironically by 2100s

Scientists at the Mendeleev Institute of Research in Minsk released a groundbreaking new study early last week. Using several complex models of hat theory, the team has worked out that by 2110 it will no longer be socially acceptable to wear a fedora for the purpose of trying to look good in a fedora.

In the report head researcher Yuri Kirov describes the situation as “sad yet inevitable”. “Every year millions of people try to pull off a fedora, and while most are met with ridicule and laughter as they should be, there remain a subset of very charismatic attractive people who can pull one off. However our models indicate that this population is declining rapidly and will be exhausted by the 22nd century.

This phenomenon is nothing new. The study cites past incidences involving the newsboy, stovepipe, and most recently the trucker hat. The report adds, “No, carrying a whip won’t make it look any better.”

Gary Lim

 

SFSS to build new Mr. Sub Building

Succumbing to the pressures of the student body, the SFSS has decided to put all future funding earmarked for the Build SFU project towards a new Mr. Sub Building. Currently, Mr. Sub only occupies a small portion of the Maggie Benston Center, making it unsuitable to accommodate the needs of all SFU students. The new Mr. Sub building is expected to take up around 100, 000 square feet, cost up to $65 million, and have the largest selection of sandwiches on campus, besides the Subway. Although some have criticized the project for being too expensive and wasteful, they most likely have never had the Big Classic Assorted, a flavourful medley of Italian salami, maple baked ham, luncheon meat, cheese, shredded lettuce, red ripe tomatoes and secret sauce for only 6.89 plus tax.

Brad McLeod

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