SFU establishes new Faculty of Bears

By Gary Lim


Citing interest from the increasing bear population at SFU, the board of directors in association with the president’s office has decided to create the new Faculty of Bears.

“It’s a no brainer really, as of 2012 members of the family Urisidae will comprise four per cent of the student population on the mountain,” noted Shelly Thurman, newly instated dean of the fledgling faculty. “It’s an absolute shame that these majestic creatures have yet to be recognized for their ingenuity and intelligence. For far too long whenever a lone black bear wandered onto campus—likely in search of higher education—it was destroyed and mixed into the Chartwells’ meat supply, but no more.

Administrative analysts such as Stephen Calhoun say that the influx of new ursine students is just what SFU needs to facilitate future growth. “For a long time now international students have been the fiscal cornerstone of SFU, but we need to see a shift if this institution is to survive. We need to be bold, and tap into the virtually untouched non-human markets. Who knows how much vital revenue, in broken-off chunks of honey comb and half-eaten deer carcasses, will be pumped into school because of it?”

The programs offered by the faculty will range of a diverse number of topics from first-year foraging techniques, to seminars on how to properly defend your thesis and cubs. The classes will predominantly be held in Blusson Hall, now renamed Bearson Hall. Any human student caught inside Bearson Hall limits will no longer be covered under their SFU Health Plan.

In anticipation of the inception of the new department, existing faculties will begin offering bear-related courses in hopes of enticing the new students, as well as the leaving of open garbage receptacles outside lecture halls. Among the new courses offered are ECON331: Trends of a Bear Market, ENGL103: Bears of Canadian Literature and SA400: Bears in society: The ageing gay gentleman.

Overall student approval of the project remains high with only several vocal students decrying the logistics of the faculty. Freshman Andre Nicoletti remarked, “Am I the only one who thinks this is a terrible idea? I mean they’re bears, they’re forest animals, creatures that could rip us into lunch-sized pieces no problem. But for some reason now we want to put them in the middle of a densely populated, loud, and stressful environment? Who comes up with this shit?

I’ve tried speaking to other students and professors too about this but they just ignore me; no, they literally act as if I no longer exist. We’ll be talking about classes or tutorials and everything will be fine. But if I so much as mention the word ‘bear’, their faces go blank and their eyes drift off like something’s disconnected in their brain and then they’ll start smiling, a horrible rictus grin, and then they’ll just walk away. What the hell is going on here?”

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