A practical guide to selling your soul

So you’ve decided to sell your soul! Perhaps you’re drowning in student debt, want to buy yourself something pretty, or simply see no use for it anymore (I mean, really, how very 2010). Whatever your motivation, congratulations on taking this exciting step! But before you jump in headfirst, there are a few things you should know.

  1. Be realistic

    You may be thinking, “Fantastic! I already have
    so little soul left. This will be a breeze!” Unfortunately for you, this is a market economy and you can’t just go around advertising damaged goods for top dollar. So, if you found Dolores Umbridge to be a sympathetic character, you may have to temper your expectations. In the spirit of spreading the wealth, though, there is a small signing bonus if you refer a friend high purity referrals can rake in big money. That one friend who volunteers for pleasure instead of a resumé boost could keep you in Starbucks for a year.

  2. Commit

    The return policy when selling your soul is non-existent. This is not a try-before-you-buy situation. Once your soul is gone, it’s gone for good. If you’re someone who frequently changes your hair colour and/or your major, selling your soul may not be for you. Of course, there are those who have made the sale and later regretted it. They’re easily identifiable by their dead eyes and vague claims of support for the trendiest cause du jour. If you’re on the fence about selling, try student politics out to get a taste of what it’s like to be soulless.

  3. Read the fine print

    Now that you’ve sealed the deal, the fun truly begins! No longer burdened with a soul, you can finally take advantage of all the opportunities life has to offer. What you might not know is that there are caveats in that fiery contract you signed but didn’t read (let’s be real here). While there are very few limitations placed on your post-soul actions, the ones that do exist have some pretty nasty consequences — think fiery depths of hell, or the 135 packed with sweaty gym bros. If you were thinking of volunteering for the Trump campaign, take a pass. Even the Great Satan
    has his limits.

  4. Enjoy!

    Congratulations, you’ve sold your soul! This is truly the first day of the rest of your life. While others worry about ethical this and sustainable that, you can now plow right over them and head straight to the top. In today’s job market, being soulless is more valuable than ever. Lie on that resume! Steal those ideas! Tell Susan from HR exactly where she can stuff it! The possibilities are endless, and it’s not like you feel guilt anymore. Your future career awaits, along with a series of trophy spouses, and a fleet of spoiled but obedient children that can be jettisoned once they’ve served their purpose. Ah, the sweet taste of success. Just sign on the dotted line.