Wash your goddamn water bottle

A desperate plea from your underappreciated Nalgene

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A red water bottle covered in stickers on a table next to a tent.
PHOTO: Paul Esch-Laurent / Unsplash

By: Olivia Visser, Copy Editor

Heeeey, you. You know who you are. You’re the one who believes you only have to wash me once a month, and believe me — we can all tell what’s going on. It’s time for an intervention.

What’s that? You only fill me with water, and therefore don’t see how I could get dirty? Have you ever heard of bacteria? (Spoiler alert: it exists, and it likes water.) Have you ever even bothered to smell me, by chance? No seriously — give me a good whiff and tell me I smell like roses, because I can assure you I don’t. Every time you twist off my lid, I’m tempted to warn everyone with a crisp, “get out my swamp!” And yet I don’t, because I love you. 

I can’t entirely blame you. No one wants to wait for the dishwasher to finish cleaning a device they use all day, every day. That being said, hygiene applies to water bottles, too! I can promise you that when you open me up, alllll your friends can smell that stale aroma. Not a good look (or smell). 

I’ve been nothing but good to you. I let you drag me along on every walk, hike, and commute you have. I even let you stick a fancy carabiner on me, just for you to shove me in your backpack instead of putting that pricey aluminum to good use. I have to admit — it’s lonely in there. I want to see the world, not have it plastered all over me in the form of fancy $10 vinyl stickers. 

Maybe you’re worried all your “the mountains are calling” stickers will peel off if you run me through the dishwasher. That’s fair, and to that I grant you this idea: handwashing. For the love of god, just do something!

Please give me a bath. Soon.

Love,

Your beloved (and forgotten) Nalgene bottle

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