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My Stanley and I (a toxic relationship)

Humour
Peak Web
Peak Web
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ILLUSTRATION: Victoria Lo / The Peak

By: Saije Rusimovici, Staff Writer

Dearest Stanley cup,

Despite the fact that people say you’re obnoxiously large, you fit me perfectly. I would carry you from the car (really, you should have your own seat), to the classroom, to the gym, and back. I love spending time with you, and I love the way people stare at us as we walk into the room (no, they’re not judging us, they’re just jealous, clearly).

You and I are so alike — so misunderstood. We navigate this world walking a fine line between what is convenient and what for some reason just makes us feel cool. To be honest, sometimes, you can be uncomfortable to hold — I just want to pretend you feel perfect. And, well, some water might spill (even though I can’t figure out where the spill is coming from.) You barely fit into my work locker, yet you still come with me every single day. The water just tastes better drinking from an $80 straw. Owning a Stanley is the epitome of the placebo effect. 

My other water bottles collect dust in the cupboard, long ago forgotten and replaced by you. It makes me sad to think about all I’ve left behind, but I will do anything for you. 

But here’s the thing. Do I really need to be lugging around that much water every day? Sure, it fits nicely in my car’s cupholder (I drive a Fiat, so this is honestly quite a win). Sure, the water keeps colder (placebo effect #2) and I definitely don’t have to fill it up as often. Wait, can water become stale? Nah, I’m sure it’s fine. 

Take from this letter what you will, but above all, I want you to know I had a great time with you. Even though you made it just that much harder to balance a heavy tote bag on one shoulder and my keys on the other, you’ve been by my side through every midterm. You’ve hung out with me at work when no one else did. You are indeed my favourite water bottle I ever had.

But what’s that thing they say? All good things must come to an end. Well, this isn’t the end for us, but I think it might be time for a break. I need a bottle that really gets me. I think it’s time to dust off the Owala bottles and put you back on the shelf for a while. This isn’t the end for us, and in time we will come together again.

Sincerely yours, 

Stanley stan since 2023

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society