By: C Icart, Humour Editor
After 11 torturous non-birthday months, soon to be 25-year-old Blue Rose (again, totally not a pseudonym I am making up for myself) is finally back in their birthday era. In the tradition of Trina Vega, they are dead-set on making everyone else also observe what they believe should be a national holiday.
“My birthday is my favourite holiday, and I can’t imagine it’s not other people’s favourite holiday as well. I mean, there’s so much about me worth celebrating.”
When asked about the logistics of making their birthday a public holiday, Rose was very precise. “Personally, I’m not against having more holidays. I hate work and I think we should all do it less. But, if the government wants to be a hater and limit the amount of public holidays, I suggest replacing one of the colonial ones like Thanksgiving or Victoria Day!”
Rose goes on to clarify that while they believe their entire birthday month is worth celebrating, they are only asking for one day to be a statutory holiday.
“Although my existence is already a gift, I think I should also give people a day off. I’m generous like that.”
During the rest of the month, they encourage folks to educate themselves on why Rose is so great, talented, and pretty. The entire month is meant to be a time to shower them with gifts and compliments. They are also not opposed to forehead kisses, but they may or may not only have one person in mind for that.
Unsurprisingly, one of the best ways to celebrate Rose’s birthday is to indulge in vegan desserts in their honour. “I think we should all have a ‘let them eat cake moment’ but like minus the French Revolution . . . Wait, no yeah, let’s feast on the rich for my birthday!”
When asked why their birthday should be a national holiday and not other people’s birthdays, Rose urged people to break free of their scarcity mindset. “There is enough time to celebrate and uplift everyone who is just as amazing as me. I’m not a girlboss, I don’t gatekeep.”
In true Aries fashion, Rose will continue to be unavailable to engage in any work (yes, that includes changing their light bulbs) in the upcoming days because they have too many birthday festivities to attend. “The calendar is truly packed. There’s birthday bowling, and birthday trivia, and birthday escape room, and birthday puzzles and birthday . . .”
Yes, we cut them off because they wouldn’t shut up. For more information on this developing story, just look out your window. We’re sure you’ll spot blue-haired Rose in the distance yapping about their birthday.
