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Local enby whispers righty-tighty lefty-loosey to themselves as they assemble IKEA furniture

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PHOTO: cottonbro studio / Pexels

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

After a months-long arduous battle to get a single Metro Vancouver landlord to rent their overpriced apartment to them, 24-year-old Blue Rose (which is 100% not a pseudonym I am making up for myself) finally gets to deal with the additional financial burden of furnishing said apartment. 

“I really underestimated just how fucking boring buying furniture is,” they shared. “People on HGTV always seem so excited about this kind of stuff. But I guess that excitement is more linked to the amount of money they make from evicting people from their homes so they can flip them.”

After extensive research, Rose settled on IKEA furniture because of its international reputation. “Yeah, I just really wanted a veggie dog and they had them so it was a no brainer to also buy a bed, you know.”

However, Rose did feel bamboozled that they then had to assemble said bed. “Like it wasn’t like I didn’t know I needed to do that because I guess I vaguely remember not paying someone else to do it, but it’s like I’m not Bob the Builder, you know?”

Undeterred, Rose gathered their courage and began the building process. “I literally had to buy a screwdriver. IKEA doesn’t guide you through this process at all. I mean there’s the detailed instructions, but that really doesn’t help that much when seeing more than one type of screw all in one bag is a new and overwhelming experience for you.”

Despite the considerable amount of cam locks they broke and simply did not replace when building the bed, they are confident that the structural integrity of said bed has not been compromised. “If I’m not confident about it, it means I have to go replace the locks and that sounds like work so I’ve just chosen to believe it’s not a problem instead.”

The whole process took them just over a week to complete and they are adamant they are never doing it again. “Everyone keeps telling me they love building IKEA furniture and it’s so easy, so next time I have to do it, I’ll just invite all those little showoffs to my place and they can take care of it.”

When asked if there’s anything else they wanted to share with our readers about their tumultuous journey, Rose said, “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey baby! Also, if any queers want to go on an IKEA ice cream date, call me!”

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society