By: Saije Rusimovici, Staff Writer
To the concerned patient,
After reviewing your symptoms and ailments, your diagnosis has been revealed to me through a number of tests and reviews of similar “nervous” cases such as your own. My colleagues and I have reached the conclusion that in addition to your irrational thought patterns and overthinking tendencies displayed regularly, you are, in fact, the perfect example of an Overdramatic Woman. I can prescribe no treatment for this particular issue. I urge you to rest and avoid strenuous activities (perhaps take a soothing bath). As for your other symptoms (headaches, difficulty sleeping, rumination), I advise you to please avoid any activity that may cause you stress. It’s quite simple, really. All you need to do is relax and stop worrying.
Under-qualified, overpaid, and slightly sexist physician
How fantastic! Someone has finally told me what I needed to hear! How have I not thought about this before? It’s such a simple solution, I should have been able to come up with it on my own. I’ve been navigating my full-time job and side hustle, managing the emotional stability of my entire family (as is the obvious duty of the oldest sibling), preparing for three midterms in 10 days and, of course, and keeping up with my morning workout regimen. It will be simple to tune all that out and focus on my new goal: RELAXATION.
It’s time to take up one of the overpriced barre classes I’ve always wanted to try (so what if I’m late on rent? I’ve heard they do wonders). Why learn how to manage my course load by talking to a counsellor when I can think my problems away? The solution to figuring out how I am going to afford to pay off my undergrad tuition loans can be completely resolved with just good thoughts! And the headaches? No need to find a long-term solution for the underlying causes when I can just sit in a dark room, close my eyes, and let relaxation find me — if my upset stomach doesn’t find me first! But even if it does, I’m sure relaxing will help fix that, too!
Of course, there is the issue of my low iron problem that naturopaths seem to insist I have. Your jokes about eating more spinach were not just insightful, but hilarious! I appreciate you sparing me the traumatizing experience of getting a blood test. I detest needles, and I detest receiving proper care as well, which is why I keep coming to you.
Perfectly fine patient