By: Jared Wilson, SFU Student, Kelly Chia, Editor-in-Chief
Dear Peakie,
I’m on a brave and arduous quest to find the outfit and accessory that will best convey to my classmates that I am not to be tussled with. I have the best discussion answers, and it’s about time everyone recognizes that from my aura alone. I’ve gotten into a few, how you say, kerfuffles as I’ve delivered a swift and just “well, actually,” and it’d be easier for everyone involved if they just know I’m always right. So what can I wear to say that?
Sincerely,
Sherlock Always-Right-Holmes
Dear Sherlock Always-Right-Holmes,
As I’m sure an esteemed individual such as yourself would know, fashion trends change overnight, and are as fleeting as the misspent summer days of youth. The garments of today which warn onlookers that you are not an individual to be trifled with in the lecture hall, may tomorrow give off an air of someone who calls the city to complain about their neighbour’s lawns. As such, the only way you can ensure your peers perceive you as always being right about everything is to invest in a wide variety of hats. The kind of hat is irrelevant, but the key is that every single one MUST be too small for your head. There is no greater indication of human intelligence than the size of one’s brain, and when passersby see how tightly that hat is squeezing your forehead, they will inevitably conclude that you possess such a burgeoning intellect that renders even the most spacious of headwear massively uncomfortable, and that they are simply no match for you on the mental battlefield.
For all time,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I’ve just realized that I haven’t perfected my dad-sona yet. It’s summer: I’m meant to be out with my brethren, grilling hot dogs and making puns. I want to know how to best live out my dad life. But in this economy, I can’t even afford a grill (or a child, but dad energy is about belief.) How, oh, how can I be my own Dream Daddy?
Sincerely,
Dream(less) Daddy
Dear Dream(less) Daddy,
You need to understand that dads come in all shapes and sizes. For every Randy flipping burgers on the grill, there are three Kevins discussing last night’s game. You see, there’s much more to being a dad than being able to turn frozen beef pucks into the perfectly charred, juicy meat patties that we all know and love. In fact, looking for things to do on a budget is peak dad-core, so you’re already making great progress. Tomorrow morning you’re going to get up early, tuck your short sleeved plaid shirt into your cargo pants, slip on your sneakers, and go out on the town. See a construction site? Place your hands firmly on your hips and make sure everything is proceeding to your standards. If you pass by someone cleaning, be sure to let them know they missed a spot. Start a chat with a stranger about the weather, and express your dismay or relief depending on the day’s humidity. Your hairline will start to recede and you’ll harken back to your high school football glory days in no time.
Goodbye hungry, I’m dad,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Please. I can’t stop saying “rizz” and “pogchamp” as though I’m some 14-year-old Fortnite player. I used to say it was ironic, but I think it’s seriously sunk into my vocabulary. It’s a serious condition! What am I going to do . . .
Sincerely,
So Unpog
Dear So Unpog,
The answer to your question is simple. You see, by adopting the lingo of a younger generation, you have allowed your vocabulary to evolve past that of your peers. While it may not seem like it, you are actually speaking a more advanced dialect of English than the rest of us. While you may regret leaving everyone else in the dust, linguistically speaking, the only solution to your problem is to continue this forward momentum. From this point on, you shall exclusively use ChatGPT to communicate. If you wish to initiate a conversation, ask ChatGPT what to say. If someone speaks to you, simply enter what they said into ChatGPT, and repeat ChatGPT’s response verbatim. Do this, and you will be entirely incomprehensible in no time. That won’t be an issue, though, because at that point everyone will probably be avoiding you. While this might not be the ideal result, it’s what you deserve for trying to play God.
Regrettably,
Peakie
